Adulting

I love the term “adulting.” It sounds like something we are going to get dressed up for and go do. Nothing like a night on the town adulting. Right? The thing is, adulting is something and someone we become and be, not something that we get up and go do.

Now, clearly, adulting would be a lot easier if someone would tell us what the hell an adult really is and what they are supposed to do and how to do it. Our bodies, like it or not, deliver us physically to adulthood. We suddenly reach age 21 and we can legally vote and drink and can serve in the armed forces and are supposed to be able to fend for ourselves. No manuals. “Just do it,” is what is expected. But how prepared are we to be an adult, especially when we aren’t quite sure what that means? We may have arrived at physical adulthood but that is no guarantee that we are ready for what life is going to throw at us.

By that age I was my sole support in the world financially. So, I had to focus on survival. I knew how to do laundry, make my bed, keep a clean house, grocery shop, pay my bills, treat others the way I’d like to be treated, etc., but that all seemed to fit into the whole “these are things that are part of survival” motif that characterized my 20s. Work and chores were great places to hide from the terror of the question – Now what?

As many of us think that adulting is something we go do, we often fall into the misconception that if we do enough “doing,” that we will somehow, in all of that doing, become an adult by default. “By God, they kept at it long enough and it paid off.” We think – “Once I graduate college; once I get married; once I get that job or that title or that salary; then I’ll be an adult. Once I become a parent; once I buy my own house; once I do or have whatever, then it will just happen somehow. Some secret knowledge about adulting will be imparted to me or I will be changed by having whatever and then I’ll know what being an adult means and how to do it.” Those things are all fine, but they are trappings, things that adults can have. But having them won’t make you something or someone you weren’t previously to that except that you may now be someone with an expensive car to pay off or high mortgage payments or a high stress job.

Others are so terrified by the prospect of “having” to be an adult, that they avoid the trappings and anything that goes with them like the plague. “Don’t want to grow up and be an adult. Don’t need or want house payments, car payments, job pressures, or anything or anyone who keeps me from doing whatever I want whenever I want without any hassles.” And we have all known people like that. I understand that motivation all too well. “Just leave me alone and don’t bother me with all of that bs. Leave me be.” OK. But that is just as much of a choice as single-mindedly pursuing the things we want in life and taking on all of those responsibilities that we think once shouldered, will make us an adult.

Becoming and being an adult is a choice that must be made consciously. It isn’t something that can happen by default or osmoses or just by being successful.

Some of us turn into either our parents or the parent we think the rest of the world needs. We become super-judgmental about what “they” are doing – whether that be on a personal or professional or citizen level. “They” need to grow up and get it right, do it right, pull themselves up by the bootstraps, be responsible, etc. And we have no reservations about letting them know what we think. One dirty secret here is that we also often turn those judgments on ourselves and deny to ourselves that we are doing it. And the more we judge ourselves and others, the more alienated we can begin to feel because we are not like “those” people and that makes us feel more superior. We begin to judge things in terms of things are black or white and there are no gray areas. As example, you see a lot this kind of behavior in our current politics. Judgment of others that leads to feeling alienated from people who think or feel differently from us. In that feeling of alienation from those who don’t agree with us on everything, we become more and more distant from others as we become more and more trapped by the better-thans of our ego, all-the-while telling ourselves that we are just being responsible adults.

Remember early in the Trump administration when an anonymous letter was published, I believed in the New York Times, assuring the rest of us and the world that there were indeed adults in the room, working to keep his worst or most misguided impulses in check? The thing is you aren’t an adult if you could have done something upfront to have prevented your now having to step up, in whatever the situation is, and anoint yourself an adult and the adult who is going to now, after the fact, make things all better. That kind of behavior won’t get you there either even if you did tell them so before things went awry.

Some of us try becoming adults by either being just like Mom and Dad or we decide to be the exact opposite of them. Two sides of the same coin. Some of us had great parents who we admire and respect. We take them as our roles models and try to do it just like they did but we can’t because we are not them. We may develop some of their most admirable traits like compassion, humor, even-temperedness, fairness, curiosity about the world, or expertise in a particular subject, being well-read, never being late. Whatever. And there is nothing wrong with developing for yourself traits that you admire in others. But we have to learn to do it our way. As example, your mother may have been an amazing cook and family dinner was a time of reconnecting with one another and re-establishing those familial bonds on a daily basis. But times have changed. What traditions will you develop and establish with your family that help reconnection and bonding in an age where time is at a premium and there are so many competing interests for your time and attention?

Others decide they won’t be anything like their parents, for whatever their reasons. My friend Fred knows a guy who had a very distant father. Dad worked a lot and was never around and had little interest or involvement in his life except as provider. So, Fred’s friend was very involved in his kids’ lives while they were young. But as they got older, and he and his wife divorced, and he wasn’t around nearly as much. He retreated into work and over time defaulted into being just like his father in more ways than anyone would ever dare mention to him.

The point here is how you do adulting will involve a series of many choices, lots of trial and error, and finding your own way. My parents came from a generation that was told by the “experts” that being affectionate toward your children – hugging, picking them up, kissing them, etc. – was not good for them as that kind of mollycoddling would not prepare them to navigate their own way in a tough world. In today’s world, we’ve gone to the other extreme where people complain about helicopter parents who are so over-involved with their kids that those kids can’t function without checking in with Mom and Dad first. And so it goes in all arenas of life. Who do you trust and listen to on “how to” do the many things that adulthood requires of you in many arenas? We all have to find our own way. No, we don’t and won’t do that in a void. But there will be no one right way and no one wrong way to adult.

Some people believe that adults must be serious all the time. “You’ve got responsibilities now.” You are expected to always have your wits about you and always know what to do in every situation. No spontaneity. No new dreams or new goals. No flying off the handle emotionally. No being silly. Be practical and rational. All of that is nonsense. Spontaneity at times can bring a sense of refreshment to life in a way nothing else will. You just can’t plan being spontaneous. If you look back over your life, you will see that there were many times you spontaneously took an action – whether work or fun – you made a decision and took an action and only in looking back do you realize that it was spontaneously done. Yes, you can have fun and still be an adult. Just please do it responsibly. And no, you won’t know what to do in every situation but what will save you is your process of thinking and feeling things through and arriving at good decisions and choices that you know you can trust.

Can you still be practical and rational as an adult and have happy endings or is that only in fairy tales? I mean you have responsibilities now. Yes, you can have lots of happy ending. And no, adulting does not mean being perfect. That is not possible and for many, trying to be perfect leads them into the trap of needing to be right all the time. That isn’t possible either.

One of the best ways to become an adult is to practice just showing up. Good times, bad times, you show up. It is a form of being responsible. Now I don’t mean being a martyr about it. The whole, “All I’ve done for you, sacrificed for you, etc.,” thing. No. But in any situation where either you are needed or just find yourself, you show up willing to help try to ensure a positive and responsible outcome. It is about consciously directing the positive impact you are wanting to have on others. No whining, even when you don’t want to be involved. No finger pointing and blaming. Taking care of business when it needs taking care of and also be willing to have fun and celebrate when it is called for. It isn’t all about good and purposeful work all the time. Being powerful – willing and able to take an action when needed, even if that action is just being there and listening to someone who needs in that moment to be heard and acknowledged. Show up and direct your impact.

I’ll give you a quick example about directing impact. A young supervisor, who has a ton of potential, used to react at the level of her employees. If they were mad or upset, that is the way she’d react – mad or upset. She would match their level of intensity, over-powering their volume to try to force them into submission, which always resulted in escalating the situation. She learned to control her reactions and she learned to listen, worked to de-escalate the employee or the situation and then she’d decide calmly on a solution. Her staff respected her for it and trusted her more. She became the adult in the room.

Adults also know when to step back and take a break. Pause. Sometimes pause can mean taking a breath before responding to something or someone in haste. Hasty responses are usually not a good idea. Think before you open your mouth. It will lead to more directing of your impact and better outcomes. Often times pause means to take a break when you need to replenish, recharge. Quiet time or walk in nature or music or meditation or whatever works for you. Regularly take some time to think and reflect and let go of whatever you are holding on to that is no longer needed. And, certainly, on occasion, whether alone or with a loved and trusted other, do the whining I told you above you not to do. Whine. Bitch. Yell. Stomp your feet. Rant. Rave. Get it all the fuck out of your system. Seriously. And then let all that crap go. It will save your nerve body.

Show up. Direct your impact. Be conscious. Do it responsibly for all involved. Be willing to take responsible actions as needed. But do remember that you are not responsible for everything or everybody, everywhere, all the time, etc. Know when to take a break. And know how to set appropriate boundaries.

Adults continually add to their self-esteem. Now, I have posted a two-part blog post and a two-part podcast about what real self-esteem is and how to do it in a very practical way. Thing is, even when we have plenty, it is always good to add more. Self-esteem is our evaluation of ourselves. We evaluate ourselves on several criteria. Are we honest with ourselves and with others all of the time? I talked about dealing with ourselves in bad faith. Being brutally honest with ourselves is a tremendous strength and a sign of courage. Brutally honest with ourselves about everything and tactfully and compassionately honest with others. About everything. Honesty is the key and will see you through. Self-esteem comes from having personal integrity – doing the right thing because it is the right thing to do. Keeping our commitments as best we can. Saying what we mean and doing what we say. Self-esteem comes from being responsible. And it comes from being trustworthy and learning to trust yourself. There is more to it, and it is available for you to read or listen to.

Always put your best foot forward. Don’t do things half-assed. Why? Out of respect for yourself. No, none of us is always ready in every moment to do that. There will be times where we’re tired or something has thrown us off our game and putting 100% of our best out there just ain’t gonna happen. Then give it 75% or 50% or even 25% if that’s all you got right then. But even during those 25% times, don’t do it half-baked or half-hearted. This is not a demand of perfection decreed to us by the universe. It is about being present, focused, and paying attention to details. A side benefit of that is that it helps you become more proactive in your own life. You’ll respect yourself more and be proud of the way you conducted yourself. Those are the kinds of things adults do.

Adults always keep tucked in the back of their minds a vision, and a feeling, of where they want their life to go, what they want to create for themselves as far as the experience of and direction of their lives. Who and what do you want to become? And then you take whatever life dishes out to you and make it in service of that larger vision, that larger feeling. Life can seem at times out to get us. As the old saying rightly goes, it isn’t what happens to you in life that matters. It is what you do with what happens to you. Who do you want to be? Where do you want your life to go? What do you want the experience to feel like? Having dreams and visions of where your life is going and who you are becoming very directly informs your responses in the present. Thus,  doing what I am doing because of what is happening to me – good, bad or neutral – is influenced by the future I am trying and wanting to create for myself and my life.

Adults trust. Now, I’ve done a blog and podcast on some of the basics. It is available to you. I want to add a couple more pieces. Adults learn to trust themselves, meaning, they trust their intellect, their thought processes. We talked about this as also being a part of self-esteem. Adults trust their intuitions. That does not mean demanding that your intuitions be 100% accurate. Clearly not. Trusting yourself emotionally, what you are feeling. Trusting your body to tell you what it needs as you learn to listen to its messages. Honor your body in that way. Pay attention to it. As we learn to trust these different parts of ourselves, we become more trusting of the whole, more trusting of ourselves.

Adults are flexible. In our busyness, many of us get really invested in our routines, routines that help manage the chaos by bringing some consistency to it. But there is also the risk that in seeking that consistency, we also become it – responding the same way in every situation, eventually losing our ability to adopt new perspectives while becoming rigid, unyielding, unchanging. Reacting the same way to everything in the name of consistency or habit. The last angry man or the perpetual victim. You lose perspective and the ability to make new and different choices. Not a good look. Leave yourself the flexibility to react in a way that feeds your self-esteem and helps you to learn more about yourself as you grow and change. There is no one right way or only one way to run your life. There are many paths to where you want to go. And there are many you’s – friend, parent, worker, boss, sibling, nerd, spouse, artist, poet, dancer, gamer, singer, baker, writer, son or daughter, etc. Don’t be inflexible in those roles either. Allow them to evolve with you as you grow and change.

Finally, adults seek to have fun and enjoy their lives. Not suggesting it’s party time all the time. Enjoying and loving your life, yes, and in that, consciously creating fun. And as you grow and change, what is fun will change as well. I mean if you are still honoring that promise that you made to yourself when you were 16 that you’d always be a head-banger, at age 40 - maybe not so much. Consciously seek fun and create some joy responsibly.

Those are some of the salient qualities of an adult. The self-esteem posts are a gold mine of things that separately and as a whole will be invaluable in getting you to a place where you will actually welcome and claim and embrace being an adult. There are lots of distractions out there that could keep you away from the many gifts from making and staking this claim. And there’s lots of misinformation about what it’s about and how to do it.

One last piece regarding being an adult, it isn’t so much about what you do but how you do it. What you do is important, yes, but it is how you do the doing. The ends never justify the means. It is all about process – your process. All of the above will help. And one day, when you least expect it, not only will you discover with some surprise that you no longer fear or misunderstand adulting, but you will also discover – Yes, I am an adult.

© 2022   Living Skills, Inc. All rights reserved in all media

Living Skills offers positive psychology counseling, spiritual counseling, and life coaching services in Atlanta, and online. We are sensitive to the needs of the LGBT community. Sessions available by Skype. Please email us at livingskillsinc@gmail.com or visit www.livingskills.pro. Podcast: “The Problem with Humans” now available on Apple Podcasts, Buzzsprout, Google Podcast, Amazon Music, and Spotify, Overcast, Castro, Castbox, and Podfriend, as well as on my site. Follow us on Twitter - @livingskillsinc

Self-Care Is Self-Esteem – Part 2

Last time we talked about the fact that self-esteem is a real, on-going need. It is fundamental that we work toward meeting our real needs. Additionally, when you learn how to earn it from yourself, self-esteem can help you make better decisions and choices in life. You can be inspired to not let your life get stale or routine or become trapped in old emotional or mental patterns that can be limiting, if not destructive.

There are all kinds of ideas out there in popular culture about what self-esteem is and isn’t. The bottom line is that self-esteem is your evaluation of you.

In Part 1, we talked about that in order to have more self-esteem, you need to determine that you are a powerful person meaning - you give yourself the permission to take actions in life, to make decisions, etc. You don’t wait on others to tell you it is OK to do so. You don’t rely on others telling you what to do. And you do already have the authority to give yourself that permission - to be powerful enough to take the actions you need to take. None of us are helpless and we are not victims. Power is the willingness and the ability to act, to take action.

Also, self-esteem comes from working to get better and better at thinking and feeling. Look at and reflect upon your patterns of doing each and see where you can improve and grow. Finally, it is essential to evaluate your character. Do you act with integrity? Always? There is no self-esteem without integrity.

We concluded that discussion with Three Things to Do Daily - Be brutally honest with yourself about everything and tactfully honest with others. Be responsible. All or at least most of the time and always about the big things. You don’t have to be perfect. And integrity - Doing the right thing because it is the right thing to do.

All of the above is very doable and most of you do some or most of this already. If you have not read Part 1 or listened to the podcast, I would encourage you to do so. All of that said, what else is there to Self-Esteem?

A big part of self-care and, thus, self-esteem, is seeking to understand yourself. Why are you the way you are? As a silly example - “Well, I’m a Taurus, so that’s why I’m stubborn.” Seriously? Would you accept that excuse from someone else? Why are you stubborn? You like to be right? You hate change? You think you know it all? You don’t trust other people’s opinions or knowledge? What? You get the point. No, you don’t need to call me and do six months of counseling to figure out why you like strawberry ice cream. You just do. OK. Fine. But when you start to run into things like you realize that your lack of trust in love is messing up your relationships, then maybe it would be a good idea to understand why you don’t trust love rather than do without it in your life. Just saying. Learn to understand yourself.

Why do you immediately get defensive when someone asks you a question? Why do you fear losing yourself in a relationship? Why do you like challenges? Why do you hate challenges? Why do you feel like you have to prove yourself to everybody else? Why do you love the thrill of rollercoasters? Why do you love change? Why do you hate change? Why are you always drawn to the “bad” boys or “bad” girls? It is those kinds of things that can trip us up that we should start with. Once you have recognized and acknowledged the pattern, go deeper. Why do I hold on to these patterns or habits? What can I learn about me here?

Also, it is of paramount importance to seek to understand, at least on a working level, other people. Understanding does not mean that you have to agree or be the same, nor does it mean that you have to convert them to your way of thinking or being, nor be converted to their way of thinking or being. It is part of respect – toward self or others – to acknowledge differences and we all are different. I will give you an example of how this might play out in a relationship.

In Dating – Part 4 – Preparing Yourself for the Rigors of Dating – we talked about the Five Love Languages. The 5 Love Languages is a method of understanding how people prefer to give and receive affection. How, in some sense, we feel loved. Comprehending what has meaning to us in a relationship. I recently worked with someone who is in what she reported to be a really good relationship but there was one hurdle. Her partner expressed affection through lots of touching. She didn’t like being touched all of the time. Didn’t mean she didn’t like sex. She did. She just did not like the feeling of having her boundaries, her physical space, invaded all of the time by constantly being touched. She is like me in that our primary love language is acts of service.

Her partner could not understand that.  His primary love language is physical touch. So, who has to change here? Neither of them, in truth. The place to start is having the understanding of each other’s priorities. Have that conversation or series of conversations rather than, “Well, you don’t love me because you won’t let me touch you whenever I want to,” or “You never help me around the house.” So, instead of packing up my marbles and storming off, as we understand one another (and ourselves here), we can build stronger and longer lasting bridges toward one another by making accommodations over time out of respect and understanding. And in that seeking to honestly understand ourselves and someone else or other people in general, we also will generate more self-esteem from ourselves for ourselves.

Also, in seeking understanding, seek meaning. What do things mean to you? You are the only one who has the authority to make that decision. In the example above, what does it mean that one partner does not want to feel like she is being pawed or petted all of the time? It means, at least to her, that she wants to be related to in a way where she feels seen and heard as something and someone more than a sex partner. She wants to be related to on all levels as someone worthy of attention, affection, respect, compassion, and being understood, rather than constantly dealing with, “If you don’t let me touch your endlessly, you don’t love me,” which would not be true. Now I am exaggerating this a bit to make the point.

What do things mean to you? Another seemingly silly example. “If I can’t get to the grocery store early in the week, it causes me anxiety.” OK. We have established that understanding. Now, what does that mean? Well, it could mean I like to have my chores out of the way, so my weekend is free. It could mean that when I go, it gives me some time alone to decompress and be productive at the same time. It could mean that when I go on the weekend and the shelves are picked over and the store is out of what I need and want, it makes me unhappy. What do things mean to you? And what does something mean to someone else? I know someone with chronic pain issues, and they say, “I feel like shit,” a lot. Yeah, I understand that part, but I have no idea what that means. Does it mean the same thing every time they say it? Is it always about their physical discomfort or does it mean something else?

Bottom line – seek to understand yourself and then seek to understand others, even if you don’t agree with them or have the same belief system as them or have any desire to be like them. And seek to understand what things actually mean to you – The Kroger cashier was short-tempered with you. Does that mean they dislike you or were having a bad day or they were just really busy? And seek to understand what things mean to others. I am not trying to turn you all into therapists but if you will work with understanding and meaning, you will become better humans with more self-esteem.

This next step correlates to the third step in Part 1, in which I recommended that you evaluate your own character. We talked about it in terms of looking at establishing integrity and principles, and thus character. Do I live by my principles like not consciously hurting others? Do I do have integrity? Am I a person who keeps my word, etc.? Do I have the courage of my convictions? In this step, take it to the next level. Look at and evaluate your motivations. What motivates the actions you take? Are my actions taken with the motivation, the intention, of being honest; having integrity; being a caring person; establishing a greater level of closeness; whatever; or am I motivated by expediency? Expediency meaning - “I’ll get to all of the character stuff later when I have time or when it is more convenient but for right now, let’s keep things simple at all costs.” (or) “Let’s just go with whatever feels good at the moment or with what meets my desire for immediate gratification.” “I need leverage here, so I am going to manipulate the situation. I’ll just try to see what I can get away with here.”

Now, in Part 1, we talked at some length about dealing with yourself in bad faith. When you look at your motivations and intentions, you will know what is true for you, though you might hate to think it true. In a relationship, I want this and you want that, and that can be anything from where we go to dinner to establishing the boundaries and rules of our relationship and anything in between. And instead of working through the process of understanding, and that can be a quick process, I choose to manipulate you to get what I want whether that means Chinese for dinner rather than Mexican, or having an open relationship even though that is not what you want. Suppose you are having a disagreement with a family member or friend or loved one and they will say and do anything to be right, to win the argument, or they just want to shut you down. They want this to happen now – thus the sense of expediency. Clearly this kind of behavior is not OK, even if it reflects their lack of self-esteem.

A work example. How many of you have had the experience of working for a supervisor or manager who will say and do anything, out of a sense of expediency, to get you to do what they want right then? What they are saying or what they want may not even make rational or logical sense but nevertheless, they want you to do X and they will manipulate you into doing it. Or a manager who is such a control freak that if you walked in and said, “The sky is blue,” the response would be either, “Yeah but except when . . .,” or, “It is not. It’s . . .,” and they will argue you to the mat until you give up in exhaustion. This is obviously neither leadership nor even good or effective management. But, for them, it is expedient. It is what they need and want right in the moment. These people will not have much of any self-esteem to speak of and, having had exposure to these kinds of managers at some point in your life, you are acquainted with this kind of behavior and its potential impact.

Evaluate your own motivations and intentions. Are they motivated from character and integrity or from a need of expediency? The more of this kind of evaluation you do, and the happier you are with what you find, the more self-esteem you will have. And if you don’t like what you find, you are always in a position of power to do something about it.

Next step, this corresponds to the second step in Part 1 which is about honestly evaluating how good you are at thinking and feeling. How good are you at each? What are your patterns? Where can you improve or deepen these abilities? In this step, look at how well you integrate thought and feeling. As example. If you wake up in the middle of the night and hear someone moving about downstairs and you live alone, you are rightfully going to be afraid. Absolutely. However, if you suddenly wake up afraid in the middle of the night, does that automatically mean that there is an intruder downstairs? If someone says something that hurts your feelings, yes, you are going to feel hurt or at least a bit peevish. Right? But if for some reason you are feeling hurt, does that mean someone else said or did something to make you feel hurt or is it just a feeling passing through? If someone does something deceitful behind your back, you are going to be angry. But if you feel angry, does that necessarily mean someone went behind your back?

That you feel something does not always mean that there is a thought of fact behind it. As we have talked about before, that you have a feeling come up, in and of itself, is not a cause for either alarm or celebration. Is the feeling causing the alarm or desire to celebrate tied to anything? Or is it just a feeling passing through that floated up out of your subconscious mind and you need to let it go? In Self-Care is Knowing Your Default Reaction, we talked about habitual emotional responses. “I’m mad because you are late as always even though you knew we had to be on time for this event.” OK. But if I feel mad that doesn’t mean you were late. Anger, remember, is one of the default settings.

All feelings are legitimate in that you are feeling them. But not all feelings are legitimate if the thinking that generates them is not accurate. “You’ve been sneaking around a lot lately, so you must be up to something. You’ve been very secretive and that must mean you are seeing someone else, and I am jealous and hurt.” “No, actually I have been trying to plan a surprise birthday party for you and you know I have a terrible poker face. I can’t hide anything well.” But when you feel something, acknowledge the feeling and then see if you have any valid or logical reason to feel that way rather than denying your feelings. Just don’t let your feelings run your life. And if the feeling isn’t tied to something in fact, let it go.

“If it feels good, do it.” Remember that old trope? That it feels good doesn’t mean it is a good idea. “I really like feeling mellow at work, so I am going to smoke a blunt before work.” But walking into work reeking of weed and looking buzzed may not be a good idea. Also, we need to become really well acquainted with ourselves and our patterns and to learn to differentiate between real feelings and the urgings of our ego. We may feel, for example, that our boss is a complete toadstool and that they deserve to be informed of that posthaste. However, looking at the logic of that, maybe not so much. More likely what our ego wants here is for us to express to them that we consider ourselves better than or superior to them. Probably wouldn’t be good for job security.

You need thinking and feeling together in order to make decisions on what actions to take in your life and then you need to be able to evaluate how good of an idea it was after the fact. So, the question in this step is – How good are you at integrating your thinking and feeling? Do you do just fine until a feeling comes up and then it all goes off the rails? (see blog and podcast Feelings, Wo-O-O Feelings) Or do you think and think and ruminate and stay all up in your head and won’t go near feelings for love or money? “Doesn’t matter what I felt. I think this or thought that.” When you try to separate rather than integrate thinking and feeling, self-esteem tanks. Not only will the integration of thought and feeling boost your self-esteem, it will give you a much firmer foundation for honestly evaluating yourself. And you will also be amazed at how it will help your sanity levels.

The last step and it goes along with the first step of claiming your power. Here, and this in integral, is the determination of and commitment to the fact that we are not helpless. And yes, there are times when we find ourselves between a rock and hard place and can’t imagine a solution. But the determination to eventually find one will get us through it. Ask for help from loved ones and trusted associates, or from professionals in whatever field. Do research if necessary. Certainly, take a step back and see if you can gain some new perspective on the issue. Remember to breathe. Be patient, meaning look and listen over time for answers that make sense and feel right (see previous step). Keep on keeping on and that determination that you are not helpless, will help you find more personal power and generate more self-esteem.

Each of the steps, on its own, has value and will serve you well. Each of us must determine to be powerful and determine that we are not helpless. We evaluate our ability to think and feeling and then we evaluate our ability to integrate what we think and feel. We evaluate whether we are living by our principles, ideals, character, and we evaluate our motivations in everything we do. And we must seek understanding and meaning. This is a process that you can learn to work.

Finally, in Part 1 I told you three things to do daily that will change your life. They are – Honesty; Responsibility; and Integrity.

To those three, I want to add four more:

Trust. Now, my very first blog post and my very first Podcast are entitled But, But, I Trusted You. Learn to trust yourself and then others. A couple of take-aways from that short post. Say what you mean and do what you say. You will be more trustworthy. (Yes, you earn trust from yourself as well, not just from others.) Then evaluate - Do your actions match your words? You can learn to trust peoples’ behaviors, not necessarily what they say. As example. My brother, for a variety of reasons, is always late. Always. He will tell you he is in the process of getting ready early. He may tell you he is working on getting out the door. What I know I can trust is that he will be late. It’s money in the bank. Trust is a very big subject, but this can be a good starting point. Are you trustworthy? Are they? Do you/they say what they mean and do what they say? Do actions match words? How consistent are actions? It is through evaluating those actions and patterns of actions that you can learn what you can and can’t trust.

Listen to the messages life sends you. Pay attention to your life, not your phone. Life, the universe, whatever you want to call it, has a funny way of sending all of us messages. A song you hear that may strike a chord. A poem you read that resonates emotionally. A conversation you overhear that tells you something you needed to hear. Someone reacts to you in an unexpected (good or bad) way. Whatever it may be, pay attention to information coming into you from a variety of sources, especially those from beyond your phone screen. Yes, this is more esoteric, but it will trigger thought and feeling and, in so doing, kick you into evaluating and then integrating your thinking and feeling.

Let yourself listen to your feelings. Listen to your feelings, understand your feelings about this or that, and use the input to make better decisions, without letting your life be run by your feelings. What does your gut – not your ego – but your gut tell you about something or someone? Are your feelings in concordance or at odds with what you are thinking? Thought plus feeling equals emotions. And honor your hopes, goals, dreams, and desires as they are important to you, revising them as necessary.

Finally, never ever ever consciously hurt other people or yourself. That doesn’t mean you may not inadvertently hurt someone else’s feelings. But there was no intention to do so present. We aren’t perfect and sometimes we say or do the wrong thing, or we miss the opportunity to say or do the right thing. But never intentionally hurt someone else or yourself. “Well, I told you not to make me mad. You got what you deserved.” Nope. “I told you not to go there.” Nope. It isn’t what you say but how you say it and why you say it that will immediately impact your self-esteem.

Now, you don’t have to take my word that what all I’ve described will work to help you generate more real self-esteem and that it will be rock solid enough to lean on. Try it on your own. Give it some time and be open to the process and what can come of it. As you work with the components and the process itself, you and your life can change and don’t be surprised if and when it does. Let us know if you have questions or if we can help.

© 2022   Living Skills, Inc. All rights reserved in all media

Living Skills offers positive psychology counseling, spiritual counseling, and life coaching services in Atlanta, and online. We are sensitive to the needs of the LGBT community. Sessions available by Skype. Please email us at livingskillsinc@gmail.com or visit www.livingskills.pro. Podcast: “The Problem with Humans” now available on Apple Podcasts, Buzzsprout, Google Podcast, Amazon Music, and Spotify, Overcast, Castro, Castbox, and Podfriend, as well as on my site. Follow us on Twitter - @livingskillsinc

Perfect

I clearly remember when I started hearing the response, “Perfect,” to pretty much anything said in a conversational exchange. Could be on the phone with customer service about my computer or the cable company and as they are asking me to try different things to get everything working, I would respond that I’d done whatever they had said to do. “Perfect,” was the response every time. “Well,” I tell a friend, “I’ve got to go to the grocery store tomorrow.” “Perfect.” “Then I thought I’d finally pick up the extension cord I’ve been needing.” “Perfect.” “I want to see if my right big toe will fit in my left nostril.” “Perfect.”

Now “Perfect” used to be reserved and used as a superlative indicating something was exceptional or had surpassed expectations in some way. Now it substitutes for, “OK.” At first, hearing the word more than I was used to was oddly comforting. We all like praise for doing well. But as it became more ubiquitous, it became oddly disconcerting. Things were being referred to as being perfect, but those things didn’t rise to a level where perfection should even have been a consideration.

Now I am reading in the press that the drive for individual perfectionist tendencies has become widespread and problematic since the early 00s. (Perfectionism Is Increasing Over Time: A Meta-Analysis of Birth Cohort Differences From 1989 to 2016 – published in the Psychological Bulletin of the American Psychological Association in 2017) The authors, Thomas Curran, University of Bath, and Andrew P. Hill, York St. John University write, “From the 1980s onward, neoliberal governance in the United States, Canada, and the United Kingdom has emphasized competitive individualism and people have seemingly responded, in kind, by agitating to perfect themselves and their lifestyles. . . Cross-temporal meta-analysis revealed that levels of self-oriented perfectionism, socially prescribed perfectionism, and other-oriented perfectionism have linearly increased. . . the findings indicate that recent generations of young people perceive that others are more demanding of them, are more demanding of others, and are more demanding of themselves.”

While there are societal pressures eliciting this kind of behavior, let’s take a step back and have a look at how misleading and potentially dangerous this striving ultimately is.

Often, when we feel we have to do something perfectly or everything perfectly, we immediately run into two problems. First, perfect is the enemy of good enough. In truth, good enough is good enough. Why? Because, problem number two, for something to be perfect it must remain unchanging, static. Perfection is a static state. Works of art like a Monet painting are perfect because they hang on a wall and never change. They are perfect just the way they are. Humans are constantly growing, changing, and evolving. We are imperfect. Therefore, it is neither possible nor desirable for us to remain fixed because we learn, we change, we grow.

“I have the perfect solution,” and, therefore, we must do it this way. “I have the perfect idea or perfect concept.” Problem herein is that once something has been deemed perfect, it is given no room to change and evolve. We get so caught up in something being the one true way, that it almost becomes dogma versus a living, breathing process. We block out learning along the way. We can become absolutist rather giving ourselves the space to explore and learn. Why must something be perfect in order to merit taking action? Why isn’t it enough that a solution or idea is practical or workable or even a good interim step?

Are we allowed to make missteps or mistakes? Of course we are. Whose rules are these that we can’t? How else can we learn? Where else would the motivation come from to take risks, try new things? One thing I have learned as truth is that when I make a mistake, I need to be the one to hold my hand up, say, “Yeah, I did it.” And then ask for help or forgiveness or both. People will break their backs to help you. They won’t if you make excuses, try to place blame elsewhere, deny responsibility, or whine about how hard something is. But admit something isn’t working or didn’t work and, “Here, let me help you,” will be the response. And next time and the time after that and the time after that you’ll get better and better and better at problem solving or coming up with better courses of action, personally and professionally.

Very often, when we feel we must do something perfectly, what we are telling ourselves is that we don’t trust ourselves – our judgment, our thought processes, the quality of our work, our ability to honestly communicate in relationships, or our ability to be and do good enough. Think about what has become a stock answer to the interview question, “What is your greatest weakness?” “I tend to be a perfectionist in my work.” Problem here is that not only is it a cop-out answer, it can hide tendencies of being unyielding, intemperate, uncooperative, or unwilling to see other people’s point of view.

Beneath that, what is the fear? If we are not perfect at work, what will happen? Will we be disciplined? Demoted? Ostracized? Fired? In that process we will, in some way, undermine our own judgment and ability to think critically or creatively, and our trust in our own work. And it is us doing it to ourselves. How realistic are those fears? Yeah, the workplace is competitive and, in too many workplaces, the idea is that we are all replaceable in a moment’s notice. “Well, Schmendrick made a mistake or their work was less than perfect so let’s get rid of them.” Is that the kind of place you’d want to work? Are the people you work for really like that? Any great inventor, thinker, writer, etc., will tell you that they failed many times along the way to their greatest successes as it was those mistakes and the places where they fell short that they learned and changed their perspectives, or got new ideas or new inspiration, or found a new direction or solution.

In relationships, how can you or anybody possibly be perfect? What you will most likely do is wind up doing one of two things. One is that you will walk on egg shells around your friends or family or significant other. Heaven forbid you say or do the wrong thing. You could piss them off or make them unhappy and they won’t like/love you anymore. Or they will abandon/betray/humiliate you because you weren’t perfect? Or you accept whatever they throw at you, good and bad, so as to not jeopardize your standing with them and potentially lose the relationship. You wind up diminishing or invalidating your own needs in the relationship so as to not be demanding and, therefore, less than perfect. Or you lose yourself completely in trying to meet all of their needs so that they deem you the perfect friend, partner, relative, parent.

Think about the people who try to be the perfect parent. They often fall into the trap of trying to be their kids’ best friend instead of the person who teaches them how to best make their way through life and what it means to be fully and completely human in the very best sense of what that can mean. Teaching them to love and care and have compassion for themselves and others. Encouraging their dreams. Being there when they fall short. And also teaching them that everything in life comes with consequences – both good and bad - depending on the choices made. Thus, teach them how to make good choices. But nowhere in that is there a demand of doing it perfectly.

Think about the stress we place on ourselves when we hold ourselves to the standard of perfection. “I must succeed in doing the impossible.” Stress eventually wears us down and affects our physical, emotional, and mental health. Anxious, fearful, undermining our strengths and abilities, and what we know as our own sound judgment. We begin to question and doubt ourselves and self-doubt – whether you are doubting yourself or making someone else doubt themselves – is very damaging. Yes, be skeptical so that you can re-examine the way you approach your life and its problems. Yes, learn from that re-examination and that willingness to see things differently. But swan diving into self-doubt because you can’t be perfect is a no win proposition.

The demand of being perfect has been shown to lead to things like eating disorders and PTSD. It has also been linked to such issues as bulimia, anorexia, depression, anxiety, and more. It is not a healthy behavior and yet, I can hear someone thinking – “Well, at least we know what can happen. Perfect.”

Certainly in life, strive to do your best. Putting your best foot forward, in that sense, at work or with friends or family and, most importantly, with yourself, is a good thing. It means that you are open to doing better with everything you do, learning along the way, but also enjoying the journey in a way that demanding perfection never will allow. Some days you will be glorious in your achievements and other days – meh. Welcome to the human experience. Winston Churchill put it best, “"To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often." Change is really the only constant in life, as much as we may tell ourselves we hate change. But when we learn that we can improve almost anything in our lives, just a little bit every day, then we have opened the door to the potential of ongoing happiness and continued success.

© 2021   Living Skills, Inc. All rights reserved in all media

Living Skills offers positive psychology counseling, spiritual counseling, and life coaching services in Atlanta, and online. We are sensitive to the needs of the LGBT community. Sessions available by Skype. Please email us at livingskillsinc@gmail.com or visit www.livingskills.pro. Podcast: “The Problem with Humans” now available on Apple Podcasts, Buzzsprout, Google Podcast, Amazon Music, and Spotify, Overcast, Castro, Castbox, and Podfriend, as well as on my site. Follow us on Twitter - @livingskillsinc

Freedom & Responsibility

It seems to me that in great part, what we see happening currently in our society is but symptom of a much larger crisis - a crisis of responsibility on both the Right and on the Left.

On the Right, there is the idea that they have the right to do what they want, without consequence, without accountability, without any responsibility - steal elections, gerrymander, run up deficits, lie to the American people about pretty much everything, make up "facts" out of nothing substantive, you get my drift. It heads in the direction of tyranny in that you hear now in the press that a minority of the country is imposing its will, due to gerrymandered districts, due to voter suppression, due to the stoking of fear and resentment, due to feeling it is OK to buy elections and politicians, due to its leaders feeling entitled to steal, is imposing its will (or trying) on the majority of the citizens of this country.

Our leaders on the Right avoid responsibility like the plague. Nobody - no Senator, no Representative, no Cabinet member, and through many state and local governments, through corporate business leadership, through the undermining of the rule of law, through the levels of corruption that no one even bothers to hide any more, ain't nobody responsible for nothing. They feel entitled to do what want, to take what they want, to bend the rules and the laws to what they want. And it becomes a form of tyranny over the rest of us that we are all at sufferance of.

The free press and, luckily, some federal and state law enforcement agencies are trying to hold people accountable and responsible but, as we are seeing, it is a long hard fight. Freedom indulged in without the balance and tempering of responsibility becomes tyranny and it becomes a sense of entitlement.

On the Left the freedom with no sense of responsibility manifests differently but it is no less tyrannical and no less entitled, though we tend to stay well within the confines of the law. We are at sufferance of the Identity Politics purists and the tyranny they impose. Here I am entitled because I am a member of whatever disadvantaged group with whom I identify. And as a member of that group, I need not hear or countenance that that offends me. And I am egregiously aggrieved and offended by pretty much everything everyone who is not politically correct to the purest and highest form says. I get to demand safe spaces and the vetting and potential censorship of any speech I decide I might not like.

Here is an example and it is a true story. In a discussion in a recent class that a friend attended, a discussion of people running for office came up for whatever reason. One of the attendees made it known that they found the term "running" for office offensive as it was potentially offensive and unjust to disabled people who are not able to run. Now, let's be clear, I am in now way suggesting that social wrongs should not be righted and people made whole. Don't even. Right? But in regard to this kind of example - seriously?

I have the freedom to demand political correctness; I have the right not to hear anything I don't like or want to hear; I have the right to impose the threat of my being offended on everyone so they must walk on eggshells around me for fear of my wrath. And because of my membership in whatever identity group, I am also entitled to feel this way and insist that everybody else feel this way as well. That is a form of tyranny and entitlement.  

Further, with the exception of the recent elections and maybe what had become the rule is now broken – please God, please God, please God – is that the Left sabotages itself with these demands of purity. If someone wasn’t progressively pure enough, if we didn’t agree with everything thing they did or said, if their views or voting record did not conform to a strict party line – not unlike that same demand made by the Right  on its peeps – then they were no good. Either you were perfect or you were the goat and there was no in between. This led to a rigging of the primary process in the 2016 primaries – something we are not going to litigate here. But the people responsible felt free and entitled to impose their will on the rest of the party and look at where that got us.

Now. Both sides are guilty and we are in the process of leaving a financial and environmental mess for the Millennials to fix and leaving Millennials in a financial mess due to student load debt, exorbitant health and housing costs, stagnant wages because God forbid we raise wages and decrease shareholder value. It is a damned disgrace.

We aren’t being responsible for the environment, health care reform, fully funding education that will prepare people for the new and emerging economy, infrastructure, etc. Instead, we continue to fight the culture wars, trying to impose our will, our values, our understanding, our sense of what matters, our sense of morality, etc., on the other side who we view as ignant troglodyte morons upon whom we are entitled to impose our world view.

Point is that in our world, in our country, in our society we see a lot of tyranny – corporate, political, personal – and a lot of entitlement and lots of hand-wringing over it but very little in the way of responsibility – responsibly responding to the things that really matter most. Where is the seeking middle ground so we can come to some practical solutions? Freedom without responsibility becomes tyranny and freedom without responsibility becomes entitlement and that freedom to dictate to others and to be entitled has now becoming our prison. Time to respond and free ourselves before it becomes too late.

© 2018   Living Skills, Inc.

Living Skills offers positive psychology counseling, spiritual counseling and life coaching services in Atlanta for the LGBT community. Also available by Skype. If you have questions, comments or want to find out about our services, please email us at livingskillsinc@gmail.com

Victimology – Blame - Entitlement & Compassion

I recently got myself involved in a brief mild controversy on Facebook. Someone of long acquaintance whom I admire posted a copy of an open letter that someone had written and posted excoriating the CEO of a major cruise line. The letter writer’s objection was about the cruise line’s medical staff not being experienced enough or properly prepared to care for passengers who accidentally overdose on drugs while at sea. Further, the ship should bring along additional medical personnel who are qualified to deal with drug overdoses.

He was also mad because the cruise line refused to distribute free condoms, that they would supply the ship with, when the cabins are cleaned. He then goes on to say, in the open letter, that though he is aware that the cruise line prohibits drug use, people are going to do it any way and that “the likelihood of drug use increases exponentially when the ship’s itinerary includes all-night dance parties.” So, basically, the cruise line needs to get over it and get ready to deal with at least the possibility of drug overdoses because at sea there are no nearby hospitals like there would be to a bar on land. And by not having his medical staff prepared, the CEO was profiting off of people in whose welfare he has no interest in. “And finally, condoms should be available at all hours of the day, just as they would be on land.” After all, boys just want to have fun.

OK?

Now, what got me into trouble is this. Let’s start with some practical matters. No CEO is going to tacitly publicly approve of the use of drugs on his cruise ships. Not going to happen for a whole host of reasons. Right? Much less say, “Sure, bring all of the drugs you want and we’ll be ready for whatever you party boys throw at us.” Seems to me like being mad with the police for not providing drunk drivers a safe space until they sober up instead of arresting them for drunk driving. Secondly, now that it has been very publicly stated that, “Hey Y’all. We’re bringing drugs,” what is to prevent the DEA from raiding the boat in an American port or the authorities in a foreign port from doing the same? And I asked why is there no responsibility on the people choosing to take the drugs? No one forced them.

Regarding 24 hour condom availability, why should condom distribution be the responsibility of the cruise line? They are not running a bath house. If people want to do drugs, fine, but the responsibility is on them and if they think they will need condoms, then pack them in advance. You want the freedoms that adults have? Then take the responsibilities that come with those freedoms.

Now a lot of people agreed with me and liked the comment. However, I was also accused of saying that if someone overdoses, we should let them die. That I was saying that “naïve party boys” who overdosed did not deserve care. And that I was terrible for making these kinds of moral judgments and that I was uncompassionate because I would let them die.

I said nothing of the sort.

Then someone else chimed in that I should not let young gay men die – “even if they're doing bad choices and not taking responsibility, not sure you let them die because of that.” Further, even cops now carry Narcan to prevent opiate overdoses so if they can do that, why would I let young gay men on a cruise die? “Also where do you draw the line there, do you not carry a defib machine because someone has a heart attack from being overweight - isn't that their responsibility? If someone pigs out on the dessert buffet and goes into diabetic shock do you not carry those supplies since people should just know better.”

Now, if you have read all of the previous 667 words, I have said nothing about letting people die. I would never withhold care from anyone who needed it. I am a practicing counselor, for Pete sake. The notion that I would condone or approve of the withholding of care because I think the person needing care is responsible for the problem they find themselves in - they made their bed and should have to lie in - is absurd.

What I have an issue with is the victimology behind the open letter. I would expect the medical staff to be adequately prepared. “If someone overdoses at sea, they are the victim here and it is the cruise line’s responsibility to be prepared.” Yes, the medical staff should be prepared or the people organizing the cruise can arrange to bring additional properly trained medical staff. However, the people who overdose are not victims. They made a bad choice and, hopefully, after receiving medical care they will learn to make better choices in the future. We are responsible for the choices we make and the actions we take in life. That is how you grab up power when you suddenly feel powerless.

The cruise line is not to blame. Blame and victim go together. I am the victim because of what “they” did to me. It is disempowering to stay there and if we stay in victim we can’t do anything about it, much less begin the healing process. And blame has really never ever solved anything.

Now, certainly, there are times in life where we may be the victim. Legitimately. We have all been at sufferance of the transgressions of others or at sufferance of situations beyond our control. OK. But staying there and blaming them that did it will get you where? Waiting and hoping and praying for someone or something to come and rescue you. Doesn’t mean you don’t deserve a helping hand when one is needed but in waiting to be rescued, you may have a very long wait. However, what we are talking about here is when you are the victim of your own poor decisions and choices and your response to that is to play the victim and blame someone or something else.

So, once we have victim and blame firmly in place, then comes the third component of the trifecta – entitlement. “Because this happened and I have been wronged, I am entitled to . . .” This leads to heart ache because when we feel entitled to a better life, it always comes back to us being responsible for delivering that to ourselves. Life has given you opportunity and hope and imagination and free will and so much more already, it owes you nothing more.

So if something untoward happens to you as a result of a choice you made or an action you took, don’t play victim and blame. Discover what there is to be learned here. How are you going to go about healing from this? What is your strategy for making a better choice next time? That’s power. That’s also compassion toward yourself by consciously seeking to forgive and heal.

And, above all, if you need immediate medical attention, get it.

© 2018   Living Skills, Inc.

Living Skills offers positive psychology counseling, spiritual counseling and life coaching services in Atlanta for the LGBT community. Also available by Skype. If you have questions, comments or want to find out about our services, please email us at livingskillsinc@gmail.com