What Would You Do? Part I – Spirituality

What would you do if the Spirituality, the spiritual practice that you’d relied on for the past 40 years no longer seemed to work? And for the life of you, try as you may and try as you might, nothing you do seems to be able to breathe any life or movement back into it? What would you do when a life that worked for you suddenly, or over time, no longer felt authentically yours? You find yourself, as one of my Spiritual mentors says, “lost in the Dark Wood, where the true way is wholly lost.” These are the main existential questions of my current life. I am finding that I don’t have the answers I need.

My definition of Spirituality is not original to me but it has served me pretty well. Spirituality is one’s living, breathing relationship to the Divine - to God or Goddess or the All-That-Is – whatever you call it. I still know and feel, on some level, that I have not been abandoned. I know and feel it on some deep inner level but yet wonder where the hell They’ve gone to. For years, I’ve had an almost palpable experience of Their presence. The healings – whether physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual – were there just for the asking. All I had to know was what I wanted healed and, sometimes, They kicked in a little extra. No having to justify why. No having to prove that it was deserved. No having to jump through hoops. All I had to do was prepare to receive it. Now I am still very cognizant of Their presence and aware that They know exactly where to find me. But I tend to like things a little more interactive on a regular basis than has been the case in recently.

Years of mystical experience. All I had to do was go into some kind of an altered state – whether through meditation or some physical activity like yoga or being in nature or breath work or whatever, but I learned to get out of my own way and there it was. I touched and was touched by that something more that gifted me with answers, healings, direction, new dreams and visions. What would you do if that no longer seemed to work?  It still happens on occasion but feeling like I need to up my game.

What would you do if all of the rituals you relied on – candles, incense, creating a certain vibe in a certain space, music, quiet, chanting, whatever – just seemed to fall flat? What would you do if nothing seemed to energize or revitalize that connection and you become so discouraged, so beaten down, so disappointed, so caught in feeling like you either are doing something wrong or are just plain failing at something you used to be so good at, that it takes every ounce of determination and hope and discipline and gratitude that you can muster to not just give up? It was nice while it lasted but now your sense of Spirituality feels, in a sense, more of a burden than a source of joy and gratitude. What would you do?

My mother used to tell my brother and me that the Complaint Department was on the 13th Floor. At least back then, out of superstition, high rise buildings lacked a floor labelled # 13. Where do you go to file a complaint with God? Where can you file an appeal? You want a hearing to plead your case for change in your life; plead your case for new dreams and visions; plead your case for the pain to be lifted and the guidance to be restored. Where do you go, what do you do to beg for mercy because the suffocating levels of uncertainty and ambiguity are choking the life out of you? What do you do with the despair that keeps returning or the self-doubt that creeps in because you feel you no longer have any say in your own reality?

“Oh, you can’t feel those things and be Spiritual.” You cannot not feel those things and be Spiritual. Being Spiritual means not only allowing but feeling ALL of your emotions, from the most expansive – Love – to the most constricting – despair and hopelessness. Yes, always aim, always strive, always try to move toward the more expansive emotions and I continue to try. And I know better than to think that Spirituality and self-development is a walk on the beach where you never have bad day, where nothing ever goes awry, or where your Soul will never put you to the test to see what you have learned and how you have grown, or not. I have no interest in a Spirituality that is all about puppies and rainbows and flowers in the meadow. And trying to shut down one’s full range of emotion rather than either feeling all of it, processing what needs processing – not every thought or feeling needs to be processed – and then letting them flow on by, the potential danger would be you are headed toward becoming a control freak with martyrhood tendencies or a martyr with control issues when you try to “control” your thoughts and feelings. Been in those places and the resort fee was too high to want to go there again.

There is nothing in this life that is not Spiritual. And, I stand by every single word I have written and published since the early 90s about Psychology and Spirituality and its importance and, more importantly, how to accomplish or do those things. Whether it was about Dignity or Self-Esteem or Choice or Relationships and so very much more, it was and is still important and useful and will help me continue to grow and develop and mature Spirituality. But what will we do, what would you do, if all of that isn’t enough? What if Spirituality is changing as the world moves into a new and uncharted paradigm where the old ways of doing and being will no longer serve and no one has, as of yet, come up a new rule book?  What would you do?

It is a very vulnerable place to be. But that isn’t a bad thing. Most of us, when we think about being vulnerable, we think it means being exposed and, therefore, unsafe. And that may be true when it comes to other people. But there is a deeper and more important kind of vulnerability – being vulnerable with yourself. And what that means is to be open and honest with yourself about your strengths and weaknesses so that you can work to enhance and build your strengths and mitigate your weaknesses. But you can’t do that if you don’t know what they are. Knowing your strengths and weaknesses is part of one of the main drives and drivers of Spirituality – becoming more and more and more conscious. Conscious of what? Of who we are, really are, underneath all of the baggage and things that need healing. Who we really are and how we are growing and evolving our relationship with the Divine.  And there are times, like now, when I have no idea of what it may be that I am missing becoming more conscious of. Probably the correct answer here is more and more conscious of the love that does come my way. And there are times when getting out of your own way is a fucking chore rather than a path to freedom.

As with any relationship, you need to know who it is you are bringing to the table. One of the few answers I have for all of the questions raised above is that when I find myself in a place where I wonder what the hell is going on with my Spiritual life is to return to some of the basics. Basics such as working on being and becoming more and more conscious in my approach to myself, my life, my hopes/goals/dreams/visions and my relationship, wherever it might be at the time, with the Divine. And I have learned that who it is I bring to the table changes daily.

An added benefit to this is that it will give you something more productive to focus on beside the onslaught of aphorisms, bromides, platitudes, cliches, nostrums, and half-truths that well-meaning people assault us with to try to be of help. Social media is full of this crap. “Just learn to control your thoughts and emotions and you will be happy/successful/spiritual.” No. We are not here to control our thoughts and feelings but to learn to work with them. “Rid yourself of your toxic relationships.” Ok. Then what? “You’re being drug through this hard time because you are being purged of the old you and being prepared for an ascension into a life beyond your wildest dreams.” Show me. “Just know that God loves you.” Well, one would hope so as everything, including us, is a part of God and yes, we are loved. But I can’t live my life floating in some rarified peak experience of how God’s love for me will fix all – though eventually it will -  when I need to cook dinner or feed the cat or let go of my day at work or make it through one more 45 minute work commute, when some days all I can do to put one foot in front of the other.

I always start with gratitude. Being thankful for the many good things, large and small, that I have been graced with in my life and going on from there. Genuine gratitude – not just to God but the people in life who make the journey bearable – can work wonders. And when you have the time, sit quietly in a chair, still your mind, and see if you can connect. Sometimes you will and sometimes you won’t but the peace it will bring you will be very beneficial.

Another activity you can try is volunteer work. I’ve done it on and off for many years, over many decades. It will get you out of thinking about your current state and you never know where it may lead.

When I have found myself in the place where Spiritual connection is hard to come by, I learned early on not retreat into some sort of piousness where I am acting out my spirituality. You know, draping yourself in long flowing things in the colors of the upper chakras, speaking only in hushed tones, refusing to think or feel anything that might be considered constrictive or negative, and making your rituals more important than your actual connection to God – a connection that can and will happen any time, any place, anywhere – all of that may make you too spiritual for your socks but will rob you of your humanity. And it won’t work. What brings me peace is keeping a tall white jar candle burning in my fireplace at all times. It reminds me the Light is always there, even on those days I am not “feeling it”.

Try to set down some of the confusion, self-doubt, feeling lost, burned-out, impatient – set it all down. And it ain’t always easy and sometimes I have to write it down on a sticky note and keep it in front of me. Also, have some fun or a lot of fun, for a night or a lot of nights. The good Calvinist in me resists fun like the plague. Not a wise course of action.  It is very easy to get caught in the trap that there is somewhere you are trying to get to and you are ready to get on with it, even if you have no notion what or where “it” is. The point of self-development and Spirituality is that it is a journey that does not have a destination, if you will. “Well, I have to finish my spiritual development so that I can finally relax.” “I have get to … (some nebulous place) … and then I can say I’m spiritual or enlightened.” As every Spiritual discipline since the beginning of time has said, it is all about the journey. And it truly is.

And we can go on this journey kicking and screaming or willingly or some of both but what we will learn is that this journey is about who and what we discover and learn and be and become all along that way. And that will change and evolve as the journey changes and evolves. But it is not a linear progression, like a railroad that goes in a straight line from here to there. We expand from the center out in all directions and we contract toward the center from all directions. There will be times when this journey is filled with magic and wonder and peak experiences. There will be times when everything is OK and fine. There will be times when you either need or want to shake things up a bit as you are feeling kind of stale. And there will be times when the journey seriously sucks.

So, when it sucks, go back to becoming conscious of what you are learning. Be conscious of your thoughts and feelings, work through them and let them go. Try to have a little fun on order to break the sucky vibe. And know that it will change but it will change when the All That Is decides it is time to change - why the Universe is not on my timeline is of my main beefs with God – and that until then this all can be colossal pain in the ass. And I can tell you, when you hit a sucky period, there will be days when all of this is the last thing I want to hear and the kicking and screaming sounds like a very attractive alternative. And, I still love trains.

I believe that there is some kind of Spiritual evolution coming. The tried and true ways of “doing” Spirituality are going to change and evolve. That said, do not – do not – throw out the way you do Spiritual. Let it grow and change and evolve. You/we will all be shown somehow, somewhere, sometime. But use what you have learned and utilize it as a steppingstone, a stone to take a stand on until the next step becomes clear. And between here and there, don’t think for I minute I won’t still want to know where the 13th Floor is so I can file my complaint and appeal.

Finally develop Spiritual toughness. The old days and the old ways of sitting in solitude in your cave sending good thoughts to the world aren’t going to cut it like it used to. Thoughts and prayers aren’t going to solve the Crisis of Character and the Crisis of Dignity that are so present in our current world. Toughen up Spiritually enough to make the decision about the kind of world you want to live in and the kind of world you want to leave behind and be tough enough not to settle for anything less. Go out into the world and have an effect on your fellow humans – either by setting an unwavering example or by becoming more involved in instigating the changes you think need to happen and influence the direction you want the world to go in. You will need to reach out to the other humans and that does not mean posting nice thoughts on social media all damned day. We are all in this together and in order to accomplish the kinds of goals we are going to need to collectively set, we are going to need one another and we will need to be Spiritually tough enough to be open-minded, cooperative, innovative, and understanding of the other humans as we face an unknown and uncharted future together.