Self-Care Is Self-Esteem – Part 2

Last time we talked about the fact that self-esteem is a real, on-going need. It is fundamental that we work toward meeting our real needs. Additionally, when you learn how to earn it from yourself, self-esteem can help you make better decisions and choices in life. You can be inspired to not let your life get stale or routine or become trapped in old emotional or mental patterns that can be limiting, if not destructive.

There are all kinds of ideas out there in popular culture about what self-esteem is and isn’t. The bottom line is that self-esteem is your evaluation of you.

In Part 1, we talked about that in order to have more self-esteem, you need to determine that you are a powerful person meaning - you give yourself the permission to take actions in life, to make decisions, etc. You don’t wait on others to tell you it is OK to do so. You don’t rely on others telling you what to do. And you do already have the authority to give yourself that permission - to be powerful enough to take the actions you need to take. None of us are helpless and we are not victims. Power is the willingness and the ability to act, to take action.

Also, self-esteem comes from working to get better and better at thinking and feeling. Look at and reflect upon your patterns of doing each and see where you can improve and grow. Finally, it is essential to evaluate your character. Do you act with integrity? Always? There is no self-esteem without integrity.

We concluded that discussion with Three Things to Do Daily - Be brutally honest with yourself about everything and tactfully honest with others. Be responsible. All or at least most of the time and always about the big things. You don’t have to be perfect. And integrity - Doing the right thing because it is the right thing to do.

All of the above is very doable and most of you do some or most of this already. If you have not read Part 1 or listened to the podcast, I would encourage you to do so. All of that said, what else is there to Self-Esteem?

A big part of self-care and, thus, self-esteem, is seeking to understand yourself. Why are you the way you are? As a silly example - “Well, I’m a Taurus, so that’s why I’m stubborn.” Seriously? Would you accept that excuse from someone else? Why are you stubborn? You like to be right? You hate change? You think you know it all? You don’t trust other people’s opinions or knowledge? What? You get the point. No, you don’t need to call me and do six months of counseling to figure out why you like strawberry ice cream. You just do. OK. Fine. But when you start to run into things like you realize that your lack of trust in love is messing up your relationships, then maybe it would be a good idea to understand why you don’t trust love rather than do without it in your life. Just saying. Learn to understand yourself.

Why do you immediately get defensive when someone asks you a question? Why do you fear losing yourself in a relationship? Why do you like challenges? Why do you hate challenges? Why do you feel like you have to prove yourself to everybody else? Why do you love the thrill of rollercoasters? Why do you love change? Why do you hate change? Why are you always drawn to the “bad” boys or “bad” girls? It is those kinds of things that can trip us up that we should start with. Once you have recognized and acknowledged the pattern, go deeper. Why do I hold on to these patterns or habits? What can I learn about me here?

Also, it is of paramount importance to seek to understand, at least on a working level, other people. Understanding does not mean that you have to agree or be the same, nor does it mean that you have to convert them to your way of thinking or being, nor be converted to their way of thinking or being. It is part of respect – toward self or others – to acknowledge differences and we all are different. I will give you an example of how this might play out in a relationship.

In Dating – Part 4 – Preparing Yourself for the Rigors of Dating – we talked about the Five Love Languages. The 5 Love Languages is a method of understanding how people prefer to give and receive affection. How, in some sense, we feel loved. Comprehending what has meaning to us in a relationship. I recently worked with someone who is in what she reported to be a really good relationship but there was one hurdle. Her partner expressed affection through lots of touching. She didn’t like being touched all of the time. Didn’t mean she didn’t like sex. She did. She just did not like the feeling of having her boundaries, her physical space, invaded all of the time by constantly being touched. She is like me in that our primary love language is acts of service.

Her partner could not understand that.  His primary love language is physical touch. So, who has to change here? Neither of them, in truth. The place to start is having the understanding of each other’s priorities. Have that conversation or series of conversations rather than, “Well, you don’t love me because you won’t let me touch you whenever I want to,” or “You never help me around the house.” So, instead of packing up my marbles and storming off, as we understand one another (and ourselves here), we can build stronger and longer lasting bridges toward one another by making accommodations over time out of respect and understanding. And in that seeking to honestly understand ourselves and someone else or other people in general, we also will generate more self-esteem from ourselves for ourselves.

Also, in seeking understanding, seek meaning. What do things mean to you? You are the only one who has the authority to make that decision. In the example above, what does it mean that one partner does not want to feel like she is being pawed or petted all of the time? It means, at least to her, that she wants to be related to in a way where she feels seen and heard as something and someone more than a sex partner. She wants to be related to on all levels as someone worthy of attention, affection, respect, compassion, and being understood, rather than constantly dealing with, “If you don’t let me touch your endlessly, you don’t love me,” which would not be true. Now I am exaggerating this a bit to make the point.

What do things mean to you? Another seemingly silly example. “If I can’t get to the grocery store early in the week, it causes me anxiety.” OK. We have established that understanding. Now, what does that mean? Well, it could mean I like to have my chores out of the way, so my weekend is free. It could mean that when I go, it gives me some time alone to decompress and be productive at the same time. It could mean that when I go on the weekend and the shelves are picked over and the store is out of what I need and want, it makes me unhappy. What do things mean to you? And what does something mean to someone else? I know someone with chronic pain issues, and they say, “I feel like shit,” a lot. Yeah, I understand that part, but I have no idea what that means. Does it mean the same thing every time they say it? Is it always about their physical discomfort or does it mean something else?

Bottom line – seek to understand yourself and then seek to understand others, even if you don’t agree with them or have the same belief system as them or have any desire to be like them. And seek to understand what things actually mean to you – The Kroger cashier was short-tempered with you. Does that mean they dislike you or were having a bad day or they were just really busy? And seek to understand what things mean to others. I am not trying to turn you all into therapists but if you will work with understanding and meaning, you will become better humans with more self-esteem.

This next step correlates to the third step in Part 1, in which I recommended that you evaluate your own character. We talked about it in terms of looking at establishing integrity and principles, and thus character. Do I live by my principles like not consciously hurting others? Do I do have integrity? Am I a person who keeps my word, etc.? Do I have the courage of my convictions? In this step, take it to the next level. Look at and evaluate your motivations. What motivates the actions you take? Are my actions taken with the motivation, the intention, of being honest; having integrity; being a caring person; establishing a greater level of closeness; whatever; or am I motivated by expediency? Expediency meaning - “I’ll get to all of the character stuff later when I have time or when it is more convenient but for right now, let’s keep things simple at all costs.” (or) “Let’s just go with whatever feels good at the moment or with what meets my desire for immediate gratification.” “I need leverage here, so I am going to manipulate the situation. I’ll just try to see what I can get away with here.”

Now, in Part 1, we talked at some length about dealing with yourself in bad faith. When you look at your motivations and intentions, you will know what is true for you, though you might hate to think it true. In a relationship, I want this and you want that, and that can be anything from where we go to dinner to establishing the boundaries and rules of our relationship and anything in between. And instead of working through the process of understanding, and that can be a quick process, I choose to manipulate you to get what I want whether that means Chinese for dinner rather than Mexican, or having an open relationship even though that is not what you want. Suppose you are having a disagreement with a family member or friend or loved one and they will say and do anything to be right, to win the argument, or they just want to shut you down. They want this to happen now – thus the sense of expediency. Clearly this kind of behavior is not OK, even if it reflects their lack of self-esteem.

A work example. How many of you have had the experience of working for a supervisor or manager who will say and do anything, out of a sense of expediency, to get you to do what they want right then? What they are saying or what they want may not even make rational or logical sense but nevertheless, they want you to do X and they will manipulate you into doing it. Or a manager who is such a control freak that if you walked in and said, “The sky is blue,” the response would be either, “Yeah but except when . . .,” or, “It is not. It’s . . .,” and they will argue you to the mat until you give up in exhaustion. This is obviously neither leadership nor even good or effective management. But, for them, it is expedient. It is what they need and want right in the moment. These people will not have much of any self-esteem to speak of and, having had exposure to these kinds of managers at some point in your life, you are acquainted with this kind of behavior and its potential impact.

Evaluate your own motivations and intentions. Are they motivated from character and integrity or from a need of expediency? The more of this kind of evaluation you do, and the happier you are with what you find, the more self-esteem you will have. And if you don’t like what you find, you are always in a position of power to do something about it.

Next step, this corresponds to the second step in Part 1 which is about honestly evaluating how good you are at thinking and feeling. How good are you at each? What are your patterns? Where can you improve or deepen these abilities? In this step, look at how well you integrate thought and feeling. As example. If you wake up in the middle of the night and hear someone moving about downstairs and you live alone, you are rightfully going to be afraid. Absolutely. However, if you suddenly wake up afraid in the middle of the night, does that automatically mean that there is an intruder downstairs? If someone says something that hurts your feelings, yes, you are going to feel hurt or at least a bit peevish. Right? But if for some reason you are feeling hurt, does that mean someone else said or did something to make you feel hurt or is it just a feeling passing through? If someone does something deceitful behind your back, you are going to be angry. But if you feel angry, does that necessarily mean someone went behind your back?

That you feel something does not always mean that there is a thought of fact behind it. As we have talked about before, that you have a feeling come up, in and of itself, is not a cause for either alarm or celebration. Is the feeling causing the alarm or desire to celebrate tied to anything? Or is it just a feeling passing through that floated up out of your subconscious mind and you need to let it go? In Self-Care is Knowing Your Default Reaction, we talked about habitual emotional responses. “I’m mad because you are late as always even though you knew we had to be on time for this event.” OK. But if I feel mad that doesn’t mean you were late. Anger, remember, is one of the default settings.

All feelings are legitimate in that you are feeling them. But not all feelings are legitimate if the thinking that generates them is not accurate. “You’ve been sneaking around a lot lately, so you must be up to something. You’ve been very secretive and that must mean you are seeing someone else, and I am jealous and hurt.” “No, actually I have been trying to plan a surprise birthday party for you and you know I have a terrible poker face. I can’t hide anything well.” But when you feel something, acknowledge the feeling and then see if you have any valid or logical reason to feel that way rather than denying your feelings. Just don’t let your feelings run your life. And if the feeling isn’t tied to something in fact, let it go.

“If it feels good, do it.” Remember that old trope? That it feels good doesn’t mean it is a good idea. “I really like feeling mellow at work, so I am going to smoke a blunt before work.” But walking into work reeking of weed and looking buzzed may not be a good idea. Also, we need to become really well acquainted with ourselves and our patterns and to learn to differentiate between real feelings and the urgings of our ego. We may feel, for example, that our boss is a complete toadstool and that they deserve to be informed of that posthaste. However, looking at the logic of that, maybe not so much. More likely what our ego wants here is for us to express to them that we consider ourselves better than or superior to them. Probably wouldn’t be good for job security.

You need thinking and feeling together in order to make decisions on what actions to take in your life and then you need to be able to evaluate how good of an idea it was after the fact. So, the question in this step is – How good are you at integrating your thinking and feeling? Do you do just fine until a feeling comes up and then it all goes off the rails? (see blog and podcast Feelings, Wo-O-O Feelings) Or do you think and think and ruminate and stay all up in your head and won’t go near feelings for love or money? “Doesn’t matter what I felt. I think this or thought that.” When you try to separate rather than integrate thinking and feeling, self-esteem tanks. Not only will the integration of thought and feeling boost your self-esteem, it will give you a much firmer foundation for honestly evaluating yourself. And you will also be amazed at how it will help your sanity levels.

The last step and it goes along with the first step of claiming your power. Here, and this in integral, is the determination of and commitment to the fact that we are not helpless. And yes, there are times when we find ourselves between a rock and hard place and can’t imagine a solution. But the determination to eventually find one will get us through it. Ask for help from loved ones and trusted associates, or from professionals in whatever field. Do research if necessary. Certainly, take a step back and see if you can gain some new perspective on the issue. Remember to breathe. Be patient, meaning look and listen over time for answers that make sense and feel right (see previous step). Keep on keeping on and that determination that you are not helpless, will help you find more personal power and generate more self-esteem.

Each of the steps, on its own, has value and will serve you well. Each of us must determine to be powerful and determine that we are not helpless. We evaluate our ability to think and feeling and then we evaluate our ability to integrate what we think and feel. We evaluate whether we are living by our principles, ideals, character, and we evaluate our motivations in everything we do. And we must seek understanding and meaning. This is a process that you can learn to work.

Finally, in Part 1 I told you three things to do daily that will change your life. They are – Honesty; Responsibility; and Integrity.

To those three, I want to add four more:

Trust. Now, my very first blog post and my very first Podcast are entitled But, But, I Trusted You. Learn to trust yourself and then others. A couple of take-aways from that short post. Say what you mean and do what you say. You will be more trustworthy. (Yes, you earn trust from yourself as well, not just from others.) Then evaluate - Do your actions match your words? You can learn to trust peoples’ behaviors, not necessarily what they say. As example. My brother, for a variety of reasons, is always late. Always. He will tell you he is in the process of getting ready early. He may tell you he is working on getting out the door. What I know I can trust is that he will be late. It’s money in the bank. Trust is a very big subject, but this can be a good starting point. Are you trustworthy? Are they? Do you/they say what they mean and do what they say? Do actions match words? How consistent are actions? It is through evaluating those actions and patterns of actions that you can learn what you can and can’t trust.

Listen to the messages life sends you. Pay attention to your life, not your phone. Life, the universe, whatever you want to call it, has a funny way of sending all of us messages. A song you hear that may strike a chord. A poem you read that resonates emotionally. A conversation you overhear that tells you something you needed to hear. Someone reacts to you in an unexpected (good or bad) way. Whatever it may be, pay attention to information coming into you from a variety of sources, especially those from beyond your phone screen. Yes, this is more esoteric, but it will trigger thought and feeling and, in so doing, kick you into evaluating and then integrating your thinking and feeling.

Let yourself listen to your feelings. Listen to your feelings, understand your feelings about this or that, and use the input to make better decisions, without letting your life be run by your feelings. What does your gut – not your ego – but your gut tell you about something or someone? Are your feelings in concordance or at odds with what you are thinking? Thought plus feeling equals emotions. And honor your hopes, goals, dreams, and desires as they are important to you, revising them as necessary.

Finally, never ever ever consciously hurt other people or yourself. That doesn’t mean you may not inadvertently hurt someone else’s feelings. But there was no intention to do so present. We aren’t perfect and sometimes we say or do the wrong thing, or we miss the opportunity to say or do the right thing. But never intentionally hurt someone else or yourself. “Well, I told you not to make me mad. You got what you deserved.” Nope. “I told you not to go there.” Nope. It isn’t what you say but how you say it and why you say it that will immediately impact your self-esteem.

Now, you don’t have to take my word that what all I’ve described will work to help you generate more real self-esteem and that it will be rock solid enough to lean on. Try it on your own. Give it some time and be open to the process and what can come of it. As you work with the components and the process itself, you and your life can change and don’t be surprised if and when it does. Let us know if you have questions or if we can help.

© 2022   Living Skills, Inc. All rights reserved in all media

Living Skills offers positive psychology counseling, spiritual counseling, and life coaching services in Atlanta, and online. We are sensitive to the needs of the LGBT community. Sessions available by Skype. Please email us at livingskillsinc@gmail.com or visit www.livingskills.pro. Podcast: “The Problem with Humans” now available on Apple Podcasts, Buzzsprout, Google Podcast, Amazon Music, and Spotify, Overcast, Castro, Castbox, and Podfriend, as well as on my site. Follow us on Twitter - @livingskillsinc

The Times They Are a Changin’ - Are You Surprised?

The world is changing. That becomes more and more apparent with every passing day. Whether you embrace and welcome the changes that are afoot or are horrified by what you see in the news, there is no getting around the fact that nothing has been the same recently.

Have you stopped to take a minute to really assess and sit with how all of this is affecting you? The times maybe a changin’ but, if you aren’t yet aware of it, so are you. For many people, they are finding that the things, people, places, ways of doing and being that they have held onto tenaciously for years no longer work for them as they once did. It maybe something as seemingly silly as you have eaten Cheerios every morning of your life for the last however many years and you woke up one morning and one more bowl of Cheerios just wasn’t going to cut it. And you were surprised.

It may be something more substantial like you no longer find your job or your work fulfilling as they once were. You may find yourself moving away from friends or relatives with whom you have been close because the relationship no longer nurtures or comforts you. And you are surprised.

Technology has changed so much of the way in which we relate to one another. And you are suddenly surprised at the effects it is having on the way you feel about or relate to others. And you are surprised.

Finding a job used to be an easy thing but the world has changed and making sense of the “new rules” of job hunting may seem alien or unfair or incomprehensible. Healthcare has changed. The way we get our news has changed. The way politics works has changed. The feeling of being in charge or in control of our lives has changed. And we are surprised.

The problem is that most people don’t like surprises - even the positive surprises, much less the surprises that are unwelcome.

Many of us have constructed our lives based on our past and what has worked for us successfully in the past. Others of us have constructed our lives as a defense against that past, trying to ensure that our future is nothing like our past. We cling to the rituals of our life that we have composed, hoping to stay safe and happy and successful. If we just focus on our job or make sure we have date night once a week with the spousal unit or talk to friends every other day or take our vitamins or make sure we do our oil change on the car every 3000 miles without fail, things will be fine. But as 2017 draws to a close, many of us are beginning to realize that the things that used to work for us aren’t working anymore. And we are surprised.

What in your life is starting to feel confining to you? What no longer gives you the feeling of freedom or the feeling of safety or the feeling of hope that it used to? What no longer makes you happy that always used to do the trick? Where is your routine breaking down or no longer serving you? How are you coping with the “new normal” when you aren’t even sure what the new normal is? What are you doing with the feelings of unease that have started creeping in from under the floorboards? How are you answering the questions – Am I still OK? Is life still OK? Are the important relationships in my life still OK? Are my routines and rituals still OK? And what are you doing if the answer is, “No,”? As the world around you gives you less solid things to hold onto, as old ways of doing things no longer work, what can you hold onto? How are you dealing with the surprising fact that you find yourself surprised, in not downright astonished? WTF? Right?

The first step is to recognize that maybe somethings really don’t work for you anymore. “But I always . . .” Honestly recognize that maybe some of the beliefs you have held about this or that in your life no longer serve you. Maybe they never did. Maybe they are beliefs that were given to you by parents or friends or family, school, job, society, the media, whomever. What beliefs do you find being called into question by you? Sometimes just that recognition can be enough to free you from old and outmoded beliefs and let you look at life with fresh eyes. Beliefs affect attitudes. How have you found that suddenly some of your attitudes toward people, places, things, have shifted or changed or even done a 180 degree turn? An example of this might be that with all of the uncertainty in the world, with all of the confusion and doubt you find that your normally sunny disposition has become ever so slightly, or maybe not so slightly, cynical? How are you feeling about that? Surprised? Confused? Uncertain?

What we think and how we feel are directly impacted by our beliefs and the attitudes we carry and rely on. Maybe, given the craziness out there in the world, thinking and feeling is more than I can deal with right now. I’ve got too much to do to stop and worry about what I am thinking and feeling. I just need to get everything done and then maybe I will look at my feelings about whatever or what I think about this or that. The problem here would be that the thoughts and feelings are there anyway. That is a process hard-wired into us humans and so what we think and what we feel is always there, whether we pay conscious attention to it or not. Do you find you are having new or different ways of thinking about things? When you look at your life, when you look at the world, have your feelings about things changed from their usually reliable position?

What about decisions and choices? Decisions precede the action of choice. I’ve made the decision to go on a diet. “Yep. I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna loose that ten pounds.” OK, but have you made the choice to stop buying ice cream every week at the store? Have you made the choice to try eating fruit when you want something sweet? A silly example but you get the point. How have your decisions and choices changed? I have several friends who several years ago would never ever ever have considered owning a gun. But in the world they currently find themselves in, not feeling safe in their homes, they’ve decided that they need a gun and made the choice to buy one, as example. I know people who have made the decision to start keeping people at arm’s length or have started avoiding people when they can. They just don’t want to be bothered anymore. What decisions and choices have you made recently that surprised you? That were “out of character” for you?

Recognition of what doesn’t work anymore. Recognition of how you find yourself changing in relationship to yourself, your life and the people and places and things in it – and these changes are not necessarily negative. You may have made some really good changes but you still feel more unmoored than you’d like to be.

Recognition of how you find yourself changing in a world that seems to be losing it mind. And with the recognition then comes the acknowledgment that, ‘Yeah, that’s where I am right now. For good or for ill, that’s where I am right now. Doesn’t mean I have to stay here but I need to acknowledge that this is where I am right now with this belief or this attitude or my thoughts and feelings or my decision and choices.” Maybe I just don’t feel I have the same amount to give to other people anymore. Maybe I don’t want to spend the time investing in this person or that hobby or that job anymore. Maybe I don’t want anymore Cheerios for breakfast. I need to acknowledge that this is where I am at the moment That acknowledgment doesn’t mean that I will stay frozen or stuck here. I can choose to move beyond where I am whenever I am ready.

Then I need to forgive the fact that I may or may not like the changes that I find are happening within me or within my life or within my world. I need to forgive the fact that through no apparent fault of my own I find myself where I am. Forgive the fact that somethings no longer serve you like they used to – be it in whatever area or arena of life you are finding these changes. And then, finally, decide what the next step is. If the changes are going to keep coming, what kind of changes would I like to see based on where I am now? How do I move forward? How do I incorporate the changes in myself and in my life? I don’t need to decide my entire future right now, just what is the next step – however big or small that step might be?

Give all of that time. Things are changing. I am changing. The world is changing. How do I begin to cope, to deal with all of that? All of the above is a good first step.

But beyond that, how do I deal with how surprised I am by all of this? "Well, I’m just too damned depressed by the whole thing to deal with it." Maybe you are. There are ways to deal with depression so that you don’t get buried under its weight. If you are dealing with depression, get help. None of us is supposed to be so self-reliant that we never need to ask for some help or guidance.

Maybe you find yourself just so shocked by it all that you have no idea where to turn. No, not the faux shock that we read about every day in the news or in social media. That kind of, “I’m shocked, I tell you, shocked that this or that is happening,” usually followed by hand-wringing and false piety about the way things “should” be. No. But we all have had a great deal to deal with – politics and the governance of our country has gone off the rails. There have been horrendously destructive fires and hurricanes and droughts. There have been mass shootings in places where people thought they would be safe like churches and schools. There has been a lot to be truly shocked at. OK. Where in your small corner of the world can you regroup and begin to handle your shock at the world or your shock at some of the changes you find happening? You can’t do it all at once. Do it the same way you’d eat an elephant – one bite at a time.

Suppose you find yourself slipping into being judgmental about everyone and everything? When judgment comes up, ask yourself is this really the way you want to be? What will being judgmental accomplish besides freezing you in place, unable to process or deal with anything because you have erected your judgment in front of you like a shield? What will judgment do except encourage you to want to punish those whom you have decided deserve to be harshly judged?

If you find yourself feeling alienated from the people in your life, from those who you love and care about or you find the surprises of what is going on in life making you fearful and wanting to shut down or you feel that you are alone against a world that no longer bears resemblance to the world you thought you knew, return to step one: Recognize that that is where you are and acknowledge that the thoughts and feelings and decisions and choices and beliefs and attitudes I am encountering are mine. I am angry. I am shocked. I am fearful. I feel alienated and alone. I am feeling judgmental. I can’t cope with any more surprises. Then forgive the fact that that is where I am right now and acknowledge that in that recognition, I can do something about it. And then go out beginning to deal with the fallout from the surprises life has been bringing you.

These are tough times but they can be successfully navigated. Ask for help when you need it from friends, family, business associates, professionals, whomever. Go within and take care of yourself. Nurture yourself. Look for answers within yourself. Life will always bring surprises and sometimes they will be welcome and sometimes they won’t. And it won’t always be easy. But there are places to start and remember, you are not alone.

© 2017 Living Skills, Inc.

Living Skills offers positive psychology counseling, spiritual counseling and life coaching services in Atlanta for the LGBT community. Also available by Skype. If you have questions, comments or want to find out about our services, please email us at livingskillsinc@gmail.com