I love the term “adulting.” It sounds like something we are going to get dressed up for and go do. Nothing like a night on the town adulting. Right? The thing is, adulting is something and someone we become and be, not something that we get up and go do.
Now, clearly, adulting would be a lot easier if someone would tell us what the hell an adult really is and what they are supposed to do and how to do it. Our bodies, like it or not, deliver us physically to adulthood. We suddenly reach age 21 and we can legally vote and drink and can serve in the armed forces and are supposed to be able to fend for ourselves. No manuals. “Just do it,” is what is expected. But how prepared are we to be an adult, especially when we aren’t quite sure what that means? We may have arrived at physical adulthood but that is no guarantee that we are ready for what life is going to throw at us.
By that age I was my sole support in the world financially. So, I had to focus on survival. I knew how to do laundry, make my bed, keep a clean house, grocery shop, pay my bills, treat others the way I’d like to be treated, etc., but that all seemed to fit into the whole “these are things that are part of survival” motif that characterized my 20s. Work and chores were great places to hide from the terror of the question – Now what?
As many of us think that adulting is something we go do, we often fall into the misconception that if we do enough “doing,” that we will somehow, in all of that doing, become an adult by default. “By God, they kept at it long enough and it paid off.” We think – “Once I graduate college; once I get married; once I get that job or that title or that salary; then I’ll be an adult. Once I become a parent; once I buy my own house; once I do or have whatever, then it will just happen somehow. Some secret knowledge about adulting will be imparted to me or I will be changed by having whatever and then I’ll know what being an adult means and how to do it.” Those things are all fine, but they are trappings, things that adults can have. But having them won’t make you something or someone you weren’t previously to that except that you may now be someone with an expensive car to pay off or high mortgage payments or a high stress job.
Others are so terrified by the prospect of “having” to be an adult, that they avoid the trappings and anything that goes with them like the plague. “Don’t want to grow up and be an adult. Don’t need or want house payments, car payments, job pressures, or anything or anyone who keeps me from doing whatever I want whenever I want without any hassles.” And we have all known people like that. I understand that motivation all too well. “Just leave me alone and don’t bother me with all of that bs. Leave me be.” OK. But that is just as much of a choice as single-mindedly pursuing the things we want in life and taking on all of those responsibilities that we think once shouldered, will make us an adult.
Becoming and being an adult is a choice that must be made consciously. It isn’t something that can happen by default or osmoses or just by being successful.
Some of us turn into either our parents or the parent we think the rest of the world needs. We become super-judgmental about what “they” are doing – whether that be on a personal or professional or citizen level. “They” need to grow up and get it right, do it right, pull themselves up by the bootstraps, be responsible, etc. And we have no reservations about letting them know what we think. One dirty secret here is that we also often turn those judgments on ourselves and deny to ourselves that we are doing it. And the more we judge ourselves and others, the more alienated we can begin to feel because we are not like “those” people and that makes us feel more superior. We begin to judge things in terms of things are black or white and there are no gray areas. As example, you see a lot this kind of behavior in our current politics. Judgment of others that leads to feeling alienated from people who think or feel differently from us. In that feeling of alienation from those who don’t agree with us on everything, we become more and more distant from others as we become more and more trapped by the better-thans of our ego, all-the-while telling ourselves that we are just being responsible adults.
Remember early in the Trump administration when an anonymous letter was published, I believed in the New York Times, assuring the rest of us and the world that there were indeed adults in the room, working to keep his worst or most misguided impulses in check? The thing is you aren’t an adult if you could have done something upfront to have prevented your now having to step up, in whatever the situation is, and anoint yourself an adult and the adult who is going to now, after the fact, make things all better. That kind of behavior won’t get you there either even if you did tell them so before things went awry.
Some of us try becoming adults by either being just like Mom and Dad or we decide to be the exact opposite of them. Two sides of the same coin. Some of us had great parents who we admire and respect. We take them as our roles models and try to do it just like they did but we can’t because we are not them. We may develop some of their most admirable traits like compassion, humor, even-temperedness, fairness, curiosity about the world, or expertise in a particular subject, being well-read, never being late. Whatever. And there is nothing wrong with developing for yourself traits that you admire in others. But we have to learn to do it our way. As example, your mother may have been an amazing cook and family dinner was a time of reconnecting with one another and re-establishing those familial bonds on a daily basis. But times have changed. What traditions will you develop and establish with your family that help reconnection and bonding in an age where time is at a premium and there are so many competing interests for your time and attention?
Others decide they won’t be anything like their parents, for whatever their reasons. My friend Fred knows a guy who had a very distant father. Dad worked a lot and was never around and had little interest or involvement in his life except as provider. So, Fred’s friend was very involved in his kids’ lives while they were young. But as they got older, and he and his wife divorced, and he wasn’t around nearly as much. He retreated into work and over time defaulted into being just like his father in more ways than anyone would ever dare mention to him.
The point here is how you do adulting will involve a series of many choices, lots of trial and error, and finding your own way. My parents came from a generation that was told by the “experts” that being affectionate toward your children – hugging, picking them up, kissing them, etc. – was not good for them as that kind of mollycoddling would not prepare them to navigate their own way in a tough world. In today’s world, we’ve gone to the other extreme where people complain about helicopter parents who are so over-involved with their kids that those kids can’t function without checking in with Mom and Dad first. And so it goes in all arenas of life. Who do you trust and listen to on “how to” do the many things that adulthood requires of you in many arenas? We all have to find our own way. No, we don’t and won’t do that in a void. But there will be no one right way and no one wrong way to adult.
Some people believe that adults must be serious all the time. “You’ve got responsibilities now.” You are expected to always have your wits about you and always know what to do in every situation. No spontaneity. No new dreams or new goals. No flying off the handle emotionally. No being silly. Be practical and rational. All of that is nonsense. Spontaneity at times can bring a sense of refreshment to life in a way nothing else will. You just can’t plan being spontaneous. If you look back over your life, you will see that there were many times you spontaneously took an action – whether work or fun – you made a decision and took an action and only in looking back do you realize that it was spontaneously done. Yes, you can have fun and still be an adult. Just please do it responsibly. And no, you won’t know what to do in every situation but what will save you is your process of thinking and feeling things through and arriving at good decisions and choices that you know you can trust.
Can you still be practical and rational as an adult and have happy endings or is that only in fairy tales? I mean you have responsibilities now. Yes, you can have lots of happy ending. And no, adulting does not mean being perfect. That is not possible and for many, trying to be perfect leads them into the trap of needing to be right all the time. That isn’t possible either.
One of the best ways to become an adult is to practice just showing up. Good times, bad times, you show up. It is a form of being responsible. Now I don’t mean being a martyr about it. The whole, “All I’ve done for you, sacrificed for you, etc.,” thing. No. But in any situation where either you are needed or just find yourself, you show up willing to help try to ensure a positive and responsible outcome. It is about consciously directing the positive impact you are wanting to have on others. No whining, even when you don’t want to be involved. No finger pointing and blaming. Taking care of business when it needs taking care of and also be willing to have fun and celebrate when it is called for. It isn’t all about good and purposeful work all the time. Being powerful – willing and able to take an action when needed, even if that action is just being there and listening to someone who needs in that moment to be heard and acknowledged. Show up and direct your impact.
I’ll give you a quick example about directing impact. A young supervisor, who has a ton of potential, used to react at the level of her employees. If they were mad or upset, that is the way she’d react – mad or upset. She would match their level of intensity, over-powering their volume to try to force them into submission, which always resulted in escalating the situation. She learned to control her reactions and she learned to listen, worked to de-escalate the employee or the situation and then she’d decide calmly on a solution. Her staff respected her for it and trusted her more. She became the adult in the room.
Adults also know when to step back and take a break. Pause. Sometimes pause can mean taking a breath before responding to something or someone in haste. Hasty responses are usually not a good idea. Think before you open your mouth. It will lead to more directing of your impact and better outcomes. Often times pause means to take a break when you need to replenish, recharge. Quiet time or walk in nature or music or meditation or whatever works for you. Regularly take some time to think and reflect and let go of whatever you are holding on to that is no longer needed. And, certainly, on occasion, whether alone or with a loved and trusted other, do the whining I told you above you not to do. Whine. Bitch. Yell. Stomp your feet. Rant. Rave. Get it all the fuck out of your system. Seriously. And then let all that crap go. It will save your nerve body.
Show up. Direct your impact. Be conscious. Do it responsibly for all involved. Be willing to take responsible actions as needed. But do remember that you are not responsible for everything or everybody, everywhere, all the time, etc. Know when to take a break. And know how to set appropriate boundaries.
Adults continually add to their self-esteem. Now, I have posted a two-part blog post and a two-part podcast about what real self-esteem is and how to do it in a very practical way. Thing is, even when we have plenty, it is always good to add more. Self-esteem is our evaluation of ourselves. We evaluate ourselves on several criteria. Are we honest with ourselves and with others all of the time? I talked about dealing with ourselves in bad faith. Being brutally honest with ourselves is a tremendous strength and a sign of courage. Brutally honest with ourselves about everything and tactfully and compassionately honest with others. About everything. Honesty is the key and will see you through. Self-esteem comes from having personal integrity – doing the right thing because it is the right thing to do. Keeping our commitments as best we can. Saying what we mean and doing what we say. Self-esteem comes from being responsible. And it comes from being trustworthy and learning to trust yourself. There is more to it, and it is available for you to read or listen to.
Always put your best foot forward. Don’t do things half-assed. Why? Out of respect for yourself. No, none of us is always ready in every moment to do that. There will be times where we’re tired or something has thrown us off our game and putting 100% of our best out there just ain’t gonna happen. Then give it 75% or 50% or even 25% if that’s all you got right then. But even during those 25% times, don’t do it half-baked or half-hearted. This is not a demand of perfection decreed to us by the universe. It is about being present, focused, and paying attention to details. A side benefit of that is that it helps you become more proactive in your own life. You’ll respect yourself more and be proud of the way you conducted yourself. Those are the kinds of things adults do.
Adults always keep tucked in the back of their minds a vision, and a feeling, of where they want their life to go, what they want to create for themselves as far as the experience of and direction of their lives. Who and what do you want to become? And then you take whatever life dishes out to you and make it in service of that larger vision, that larger feeling. Life can seem at times out to get us. As the old saying rightly goes, it isn’t what happens to you in life that matters. It is what you do with what happens to you. Who do you want to be? Where do you want your life to go? What do you want the experience to feel like? Having dreams and visions of where your life is going and who you are becoming very directly informs your responses in the present. Thus, doing what I am doing because of what is happening to me – good, bad or neutral – is influenced by the future I am trying and wanting to create for myself and my life.
Adults trust. Now, I’ve done a blog and podcast on some of the basics. It is available to you. I want to add a couple more pieces. Adults learn to trust themselves, meaning, they trust their intellect, their thought processes. We talked about this as also being a part of self-esteem. Adults trust their intuitions. That does not mean demanding that your intuitions be 100% accurate. Clearly not. Trusting yourself emotionally, what you are feeling. Trusting your body to tell you what it needs as you learn to listen to its messages. Honor your body in that way. Pay attention to it. As we learn to trust these different parts of ourselves, we become more trusting of the whole, more trusting of ourselves.
Adults are flexible. In our busyness, many of us get really invested in our routines, routines that help manage the chaos by bringing some consistency to it. But there is also the risk that in seeking that consistency, we also become it – responding the same way in every situation, eventually losing our ability to adopt new perspectives while becoming rigid, unyielding, unchanging. Reacting the same way to everything in the name of consistency or habit. The last angry man or the perpetual victim. You lose perspective and the ability to make new and different choices. Not a good look. Leave yourself the flexibility to react in a way that feeds your self-esteem and helps you to learn more about yourself as you grow and change. There is no one right way or only one way to run your life. There are many paths to where you want to go. And there are many you’s – friend, parent, worker, boss, sibling, nerd, spouse, artist, poet, dancer, gamer, singer, baker, writer, son or daughter, etc. Don’t be inflexible in those roles either. Allow them to evolve with you as you grow and change.
Finally, adults seek to have fun and enjoy their lives. Not suggesting it’s party time all the time. Enjoying and loving your life, yes, and in that, consciously creating fun. And as you grow and change, what is fun will change as well. I mean if you are still honoring that promise that you made to yourself when you were 16 that you’d always be a head-banger, at age 40 - maybe not so much. Consciously seek fun and create some joy responsibly.
Those are some of the salient qualities of an adult. The self-esteem posts are a gold mine of things that separately and as a whole will be invaluable in getting you to a place where you will actually welcome and claim and embrace being an adult. There are lots of distractions out there that could keep you away from the many gifts from making and staking this claim. And there’s lots of misinformation about what it’s about and how to do it.
One last piece regarding being an adult, it isn’t so much about what you do but how you do it. What you do is important, yes, but it is how you do the doing. The ends never justify the means. It is all about process – your process. All of the above will help. And one day, when you least expect it, not only will you discover with some surprise that you no longer fear or misunderstand adulting, but you will also discover – Yes, I am an adult.
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Living Skills offers positive psychology counseling, spiritual counseling, and life coaching services in Atlanta, and online. We are sensitive to the needs of the LGBT community. Sessions available by Skype. Please email us at livingskillsinc@gmail.com or visit www.livingskills.pro. Podcast: “The Problem with Humans” now available on Apple Podcasts, Buzzsprout, Google Podcast, Amazon Music, and Spotify, Overcast, Castro, Castbox, and Podfriend, as well as on my site. Follow us on Twitter - @livingskillsinc
