Living with Uncertainty

January 7, 2022 Michael Dubin

Illustration 238034548 © Brillianceeye | Dreamstime.com

The most common complaint I hear from friends, family, colleagues, is that everybody is exhausted and worn down, to some extent or another, by living for so long in a constant state of uncertainty – about everything. In all aspects of our individual and collective lives, the ground under our feet won’t stop shifting.

What’s next? What’s coming now? What else? I walked into a Trader Joe’s on a recent Sunday night, a time I never usually shop for groceries, and was floored. All of the fresh fruit and veggies, all the bagged salad, bagged veggies, all of it was gone. Not an onion or banana to be had. I asked one of the employees if this is what the store usually looked like at 7P on Sundays. I was assured that it was not. They didn’t get in a truck. All I could think of were the stories I read in high school about the bare shelves in Soviet state stores and I wondered, “Is that where we are headed?”

Last September when we wrote about “The Hydra Head Of COVID,” we talked about the various kinds of impact that COVID has had on people, on their lives, on relationships, on who we knew ourselves to be. We talked about old structures and old ways of doing things, especially on a societal level, are crumbling and there aren’t many new ones being erected yet as states literally burn, the pandemic rages on, people are leaving their jobs in droves (the Great Resignation), and the truck with whatever essential goods didn’t come or isn’t coming.

One of my teachers on my path began talking of a “New Paradigm of Uncertainty,” back in 2018. Now, I usually try to make the concepts and ideas I write about practical and applicable. However, here we are going to have to venture into the slightly abstract for a bit to begin to unpack these ideas and make them more practical.

The New Paradigm of Uncertainty:

· The Freedom of Uncertainty

· The Wonder of Possibility

· The Wisdom of Working Together in Harmony

· The Courage to Keep Exploring

We are all apprehensive of uncertainty. We all like the certainty of, “This is the way the world works. Period. I like knowing what to expect is coming tomorrow.” Now we are all used to dealing with anxiety on a personal level. Will I make this meeting on time? Is this person “the one?” Will they like me? What will my new job be like? Who will my kids turn out to be? We all know that there are no guarantees and no certain outcomes but we have all developed certain strategies in different parts of life that we have come to rely on to keep the chaos at bay and usually ensure that things turn out pretty much the way we want and expect.

But what can we do when the trepidation of apprehension sets in? We can become anxious and fearful, even dreading what might happen and then we tend to lock down and man the barricades. Instead, keep in mind apprehension is not necessarily a bad thing. What is the immediate apprehension here? I may not immediately have an answer but part of the freedom that uncertainty gives us is that we get to make different choices as to how we respond to our apprehensions and forebodings. Does a decision have to me made right now or is it possible to take a step back and wait and see what other information or new ideas might come our way?

Several things to watch out for here. One is impatience. “I want answers right now.” And, if we don’t get those immediate answers, off we go into frustration and, sometimes, anger. Also, some decide to try to control all of the variables and force the desired outcome. Better to deal with the fear underneath the desire to control than to white-knuckle our way through life. For others, instead of outright impatience they decide, “I want to understand why something is happening before I do anything about it.” That is my fave.

When an outcome or future outcome is uncertain, use the freedom you have to choose and work toward – not control – the end result you want. I have the freedom to stop and look at and pull apart my fears and apprehensions. I have the freedom to make new and different choices. I have the freedom not to go into impatience or control or frustration or anger. I can work with those emotions to release them. And I have the freedom to keep amassing data and information as it emerges before I make decisions about an uncertain future.

And I have the freedom to change or alter my perspective. I have the freedom to try to see things differently. A silly example I’ve used before – A co-worker, with whom you are friendly, one morning is very curt with you. Do you decide that you should have known all along that they were rotten and no good or do you think that since this is someone you know, they may just be having a bad morning? Which perspective is correct? Who gets to choose? Perspective - What am I after? What am I trying to accomplish here? What do I hope for? How do I usually see things? What apprehensions need I deal with that might cloud my vision and my understanding? How might I see this differently? And when you find yourself absolutely sure about something, it never hurts to check – Are you certain?

Finally for those with anxiety, please reference our post and podcast entitled, “Running Anxiety.”

Wonder. Wonder gets a dirty name. “The wide-eyed wonder of children.” As adults, we don’t have time for that childish nonsense. Actually, we wonder all the time, only we do it in the negative sense of worry. What if we wondered about what new opportunities we’d like? Or what new chances would we like to begin again? What new hopes and dreams? Is any of this possible? Why not?

Too many of us, the idea of possibility is like walking into the paint store, hoping to find just the right color, and we get overwhelmed by too many options/too many choices. Some of us have reached a point of cynicism where our response to new possibilities is, “Yeah, the other shoe will fall.” However, we can gather our courage and be curious about positive new ideas, hopes, goals. We can sharpen our discernment of possibility with the wisdom we’ve accumulated from past experience. Thus, some possibilities might, upon further examination prove interesting and worth pursuing, while other possibilities won’t feel right, at least not right now.

In fairness, opening to the possible, the positive possible, in our times can be challenging. Thus, take it as something to practice doing over time, not something to do once and cross off your list.

Possibility leads to hope. And you cannot hope without being open to the possibility that it will happen. Finally, don’t be afraid to challenge your imagination to show and do more. What more could I imagine here? What is beyond what I can imagine? Not fantasy. Imagine.

The wisdom of working together in harmony. People fight the idea, that we are all in this together, kicking and screaming. Seems sort of self-evident that however the chaos of the world came to be, we all had a hand in it somewhere and, thus, we are all going to have to fix the world. COVID has and continues to make reaching out in person potentially problematic. But as it clears, turn from the uncertainty and reach out, in whatever capacity, to others involved in something that matters to you. This way you get to put your two cents in as to what will emerge from the chaos and come into being.

Yes, this is all rather esoteric, in a sense. It makes more sense once experienced. Uncertainty, admitting “I don’t know,” can open doors to knowledge. We also get driven inward to find an anchor and a refuge from the stuff outside that is uncertain. And in that process we can find stability. As external and internal security grows, we become more and more open to going with the flow of our life and letting it evolve rather than trying to control.

And, yes, it will take courage to keep exploring. Courage here does not mean absence of fear. It means knowing the kind of person you want to be and the kind of life you want to live and in that determination to keep exploring yourself and the world as the new normal emerges.

There is not nor will there be a quick fix for living with uncertainty, even as it will eventually subside as a new normal emerges. But take bits and pieces of the above as so suits you to work with. You just might come away less uncertain and more confident about the future.

Living Skills offers positive psychology counseling, spiritual counseling, and life coaching services in Atlanta, and online. We are sensitive to the needs of the LGBT community. Sessions available by Skype. Please email us at livingskillsinc@gmail.com or visit www.livingskills.pro. Podcast: “The Problem with Humans” now available on Apple Podcasts, Buzzsprout, Google Podcast, Amazon Music, and Spotify, Overcast, Castro, Castbox, and Podfriend, as well as on my site. Follow us on Twitter - @livingskillsinc

The Hydra Head of COVID

September 16, 2021 Michael Dubin

Illustration 217921389 © Daniel Eskridge | Dreamstime.com

According to Greek mythology, the Hydra is a nine-headed gigantic water-snake-like monster. Like the Hydra, there have been many faces to the impact COVID has had on people. For some it has been as traumatic as losing a loved one. For others, outside of being a major inconvenience, it really hasn’t that bad. During these troubling and challenging times, Hercules has not been available to come and rescue us from this monster. We’ve been thrown back onto our own resources to save ourselves.

For people who are more introverted like me, in many ways, it has been an unexpected gift of time. The exile imposed by COVID allowed me time to read, think, meditate, reflect and enjoy the peace that came with the slowing down of the outside world. That said, I was not immune to the fact that life as we all knew it had come to a screeching halt and that all of our heartfelt desires for life to return to return to normal as soon as possible were not going to be answered. And in the course of the last 20 months, my life has changed, and I have changed profoundly in ways that I could neither have foreseen nor imagined.

For the more extroverted among us who thrive on social interaction and get energized by being around others and engaging in out-of-the-house activities, it has been a tough time. Unable to safely and freely move about and be on the go, separated from the touch of friends and loved ones, missing favorite activities, having to find new ways to have fun and connect, has been more difficult. Some have slipped into depression. Others have felt hopeless or helpless or even a sense of despair. Some have gotten very angry. That anger has shown itself in a variety of ways. Angry at politicians. Angry at those who sought to protect themselves by wearing masks. Angry about getting or not getting the vaccines. Angry about others getting or not getting the vaccines. Angry about businesses shutting down. Angry that life as we had known it has gone away.

Life has changed. Many of us would like to say that it was all the result of COVID but many of the changes in our world have been brewing for a long time. In our world, old structures - whether that be media, healthcare, politics, education, international relations, supply chains, alliances, etc. – have and are breaking down and we don’t yet have the new structures to replace the old. In some cases these changes are coming slowly and in other cases coming more rapidly. Some changes are more subtle than others but the old ways, the old traditions of how we thought our world worked or was supposed to work, are breaking down. Order will eventually emerge from the chaos but right now we don’t know what that world will look like and that is bringing up a lot of fear and anxiety and stress in people. COVID added to all that.

Many people felt that they and/or their world was in crisis. The demands made on them - to help stop the spread, to stay home, to give up many of life’s pleasures - were coming too quickly; changes too fast to process; their normal routine, their daily routine had been disrupted and things just weren’t working the way they were supposed to. But we did what we needed to do – we established new routines; processed the changes one step at a time; and we handled the new demands coming from every facet of life as best we could. And this was easier for some than for others. Humans don’t really like change.

Many of us ran into the fact that just because something had worked in the past – job, relationship, hobby, perspectives, goals – did not mean that it would continue to work. Things that we had taken for granted could no longer be taken for granted. Our health, our safety, our survival, our relationships, the things that brought us joy, even our ability to purchase paper towels could no longer be counted on in quite the same way. Spouses and or families having to spend real time together. For some, the increased contact only strengthened the already existing closeness and bonds. Other found themselves looking at loved ones and wondering, “Who are you?”

Many people discovered a desire to not constantly be tied into work and wanting more of a work/life balance. Wanting more flexibility in work schedules. Tired of missing their kids grow up. Quality of life becoming more important than living by arbitrary rules imposed by the workplace. This Hydra-head occasioned the re-prioritizing of life.

Some people found new or alternative or additional ways to make money and survive. Some moved to new places – whether out of choice or by necessity. Many are currently seeking new jobs. That may be for better working conditions, better money, better living conditions or just something new to do as they have become bored and restless.

Having been locked down in our houses for so long, it has been interesting to see people emerge with the drive to be seen and heard. When I was younger, sequins, flashy, sparkly dress was something that was reserved for a very dressy or formal occasion. Now everything glitters, including bedroom shoes – which have moved from the bedroom to everyday footwear. Bling has become de rigueur. Informality in dress and appearance has also become more commonplace. So, in some senses, COVID has changed the way we present ourselves to others as we re-emerge.

COVID also forced people to deal with themselves and then those close to them in ways that they could have avoided before. In the busyness of life, I can keep myself distracted from dealing with me. When I am stuck at home with not a lot to do, eventually binging my fave TV shows, eating, playing with the dog, etc., only will go so far. And then the things like that vague unease you have been feeling starts knocking at the inside of your head. Some people began to rethink what really matters and what is important to them. Others began running into the aspects of themselves that didn’t work for them anymore. Some began to realize how stale their lives had become.

Some began to look at the relationships in their lives and whether they were still important or past their expiration date. The people we cherished and longed for. The touches, the hugs, the warmth of their presence that we so desperately missed but had previously taken for granted. In other cases, people began to get on our nerves – like our spouse or friends who disrupt our equanimity or relatives who we kept in touch with out of a sense of duty and obligation. Nothing was immune from review. In certain cases, we clearly saw what and who we treasured and why, and in other cases, we saw what we had outgrown – people, habits, ways of living our lives.

Others began to dream new dreams and have different hopes and goals. Some went back to school or learned new things from a variety of available resources. Others took on new projects that they had not had the time for before like finally repainting the kitchen or remodeling a room.

We can’t begin to cover all the changes COVID has wrought in the world. COVID, in many senses, made us all realize that we’ve been going with what we know or knew to be good and true and right for us in life, at least up until the pandemic. Nevertheless, for so many of us, it forced us to come face-to-face with – Is this all there is? What now? What’s next? Do I want something more or new or different? Do I deserve more or new or different? Do I dare ask for that? The answer is always, “Yes.”

Running Anxiety

May 13, 2021 Michael Dubin

Photo 99771959 / Lightning © John Sirlin | Dreamstime.com

There is a lot of anxiety run riot in the world right now. It is everywhere and is about pretty much everything. The world has entered uncharted territory and we are uncertain of where our lives or our world are going. Uncertainty often produces anxiety. Problem is, thinking about anxiety makes us anxious.

Many of us are so used to living with it, that we don’t give it a lot of thought. It is kind of there in the background but, hey, it’s only anxiety. We get used to the feelings of unease, apprehension, nervousness. “I’m just feeling a little out of sorts or off center or I’ve got things on my mind but it is no big deal.” Actually, yes, it is.

Anxiety, left unanswered builds, suffocates you mentally, emotionally and spiritually, and eventually can destroy your health. “Come on. It’s not big deal and I’ll get to it later. I’ve got bigger fish to fry right now. What’s a little jitters?” Now, as it is a big subject, we are going to start with how do you even know you are anxious? Right? If what I said is true, that we become so accustomed to it that we don’t realize that we are at sufferance of it, then how do we know?

My fave is food. Eating when I am not hungry. Many people call it stress eating. Standing in front of the open fridge at 3:30 AM grabbing out the fixin’s for a turkey and cheese sandwich. “Well, I was having trouble sleeping and I always sleep better with food on my stomach.” You feed your spouse their favorite meal and they’ve eaten until they nearly fell out but 30 minutes later they are rummaging through the pantry looking for a bag of chips because they are feeling peckish. How is that even possible?

The presence of addictions – chemical or mechanical – are a sign that we are trying to run off anxiety. Chemical addictions whether food, booze, drugs, coffee, cigs, chocolate, sugar. That chocolate that you just gotta have. That cig before you commit murder. The food consumption that borders on or crosses over into binging. If I ate it fast, it didn’t count. If I didn’t enjoy it, it didn’t count. Needing to fill my mouth. Habituated chemical addictions as way of doing anxiety.

Mechanical addictions. The nail biters who will chew their own fingers down to their first knuckle. The hair twisters who aren’t even conscious of how much they do it. The jaw clenchers and grinders. I had a boss who clenched and unclenched her jaw all day, every day, regardless of what was going on around her. She was oblivious to it. My roommate in college who ground his teeth and jaw so ferociously every night that I could hear it from down the hall. The folks who can’t stop jiggling their leg, bouncing that knee up and down at ever increasing speeds. Running off anxiety.

Some people pick fights, usually about insignificant things. “How many times do I have to tell you to put the cap back on the toothpaste? It is unsanitary and messy. Can’t you ever respect my wishes? How come everything always has to be your way?” And off we go. One guy’s boyfriend came home and launched into a tirade about who knows what. When he was finished, the guy asked him, “So what has any of that got to do with me?” “Why can’t you ever listen to anything I tell you?” Usually they aren’t or you aren’t really even angry. Just looking to pick a fight to run off anxiety. And even though the fight usually starts over minor or inconsequential things, the person being attacked gets suckered in and will fight back and it can escalate and terrible things get said and emotional damage done and trust gets broken all because I was feeling anxious. Potentially throwing away a loving relationship to run off anxiety.

Another way many of us handle our anxiety is to worry about everything. Everything. Constantly. It can almost become obsessive. “Do my tires look worn to you? I am thinking that they are starting to wear out. Maybe I should go check them.” “Well, it’s dark outside right now and you just bought them six months ago so it is unlikely that they are about to give out.” “Did you see the rash in that commercial? Doesn’t that look just like this red spot on my elbow? My God, I better go get checked out for psoriasis.” “Your elbow is red because you’ve been leaning on it.” “Yeah, well, just in case.” What if the lunch meat in the kids’ sandwiches wasn’t stored properly? How many eggs are there in the fridge? I worry and I worry and I worry. Things will rotate on and off the checklist of things I worry about but by trying to be hyper-vigilant and aware, by worrying about everything, maybe I can keep the bad stuff at bay. Running my anxiety through worrying.

Some people turn into martyrs. You go to get your COVID vaccine and you even have an appointment and they not only keep you waiting but they take other people first. And you know that they deliberately did it to you. The server refills everybody else’s water glass except yours and you know it was premediated. The busybody at work who is so busy helping everybody else with their work that they can’t get their own done and then can’t understand why nobody appreciates all that they’ve done to help everybody else. “Nobody understands me. Nobody ever helps me. I guess I’ll just have to do it all myself,” followed with a heave and sigh. Martyring themselves as a way to distract from the anxiety they are feeling.

Some people go into depression. The weight of the depression gets so heavy that they can’t get out from under it. Not feeling “a little down” but really depressed and it can take weeks, months, years to escape the suffocation of the depression brought on by anxiety.

Others go into righteousness and blame. There is a lot of this out in the world right now. But it gets to the point of absurdity. “The world is going to hell in a handbasket because the rotten liberals are a bunch of satanic, cannibalistic pedophiles, blah, blah, blah.” It makes me mad because if I had known I was a cannibal, I could have saved a fortune at Kroger over the years. In the 10,000 years of recorded human history blame has never solved anything. Accountability yes, blame no. But there is tons of blame in our world. And righteousness whose sole purpose is to make the righteous feel superior to and better than whomever is the object of their scorn. Running anxiety by blaming and being righteous.

And, finally, procrastination. The people who let the mail pile up for weeks or months but they’re gonna get to it. That closet that I’ve been meaning to clean out and sort through forever but I keep throwing stuff in there instead. That two minute phone call that I need to make for work but I can’t make it on Monday because they are just getting back to work and I don’t want to bother them. Then Tuesday comes and I’d call but they are just really getting back in the swing of things so I don’t want to be a nuisance. And on it goes and now it is Friday and the week is over so I’ll call next week. The bill I need to pay. Procrastination is how I do my anxiety.

If any of this sounds familiar, good. Because one of the steps of escaping being smothered by your anxiety is to know you have it and being aware of what you do to run it off. And then you can start looking for alternative, less destructive ways to express it.